1
00:01:02,283 --> 00:01:04,523
My life is in the cloud.
2
00:01:04,643 --> 00:01:06,963
Well, not everything.
3
00:01:07,043 --> 00:01:08,923
My body isn't like that.
4
00:01:09,043 --> 00:01:13,443
But everything else.
What I see, think and feel.
5
00:01:13,603 --> 00:01:17,243
It's in the cloud.
And it's so strange
6
00:01:17,403 --> 00:01:22,163
that body and soul are separate.
And it also looks fragile.
7
00:01:22,243 --> 00:01:25,523
Like my life was falling apart.
8
00:01:26,523 --> 00:01:29,043
Do you think it's weird?
9
00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:31,643
I just take it
everything literally.
10
00:01:31,723 --> 00:01:37,603
I can imagine it.
A real cloud. Cumulus cloud.
11
00:01:37,683 --> 00:01:43,083
It's quite solid, so it's easy
imagine it contains something.
12
00:01:43,163 --> 00:01:46,243
But sometimes I imagine cirrus clouds.
13
00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:51,323
Or worse
just a transparent veil of clouds.
14
00:01:51,403 --> 00:01:56,523
And then I worry that it is
there is nothing there to hold everything in place.
15
00:01:56,603 --> 00:01:59,699
And that everything is me
am, I'll drop by
16
00:01:59,711 --> 00:02:02,683
street and get
washed away by the rain.
17
00:02:49,523 --> 00:02:51,723
SEX / DREAMS / LOVE
18
00:02:51,803 --> 00:02:53,123
DREAMS / LOVE
19
00:02:53,163 --> 00:02:59,123
DREAMS
20
00:03:07,043 --> 00:03:11,043
- You're applying to the Academy, right?
- To dance?
21
00:03:11,123 --> 00:03:14,523
- No.
- Why not? You are so talented.
22
00:03:14,603 --> 00:03:16,691
You danced
classical ballet too, right?
23
00:03:16,703 --> 00:03:18,523
Yes, but this
it just felt humiliating.
24
00:03:18,643 --> 00:03:24,083
I read this classical ballet somewhere
is based on outdated gender attitudes.
25
00:03:24,163 --> 00:03:25,962
That it should be abolished.
26
00:03:26,043 --> 00:03:30,163
- Not every dance is like classical ballet.
- Yes, to some extent.
27
00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:33,003
I want to study sociology.
28
00:03:34,523 --> 00:03:37,483
- You read a lot, don't you?
- A lot.
29
00:03:38,203 --> 00:03:40,883
Don't you read?
30
00:03:41,003 --> 00:03:45,163
A little.
But mostly when people give me books.
31
00:03:45,243 --> 00:03:46,963
I love it.
32
00:03:47,043 --> 00:03:52,083
I'm flattered that people think of me
like someone who reads books.
33
00:03:54,123 --> 00:03:57,643
But not everything
it's true in books.
34
00:03:57,723 --> 00:04:02,843
Sure, but that's not why I read.
To find out what is true.
35
00:04:02,963 --> 00:04:05,403
I read to have somewhere to go.
36
00:04:05,483 --> 00:04:08,203
And recover.
37
00:04:08,283 --> 00:04:10,323
It all started with a book.
38
00:04:10,403 --> 00:04:15,923
It all started with a book
which ultimately led me to write the book.
39
00:04:16,043 --> 00:04:20,203
It wasn't even a famous book
just one I found in my grandma's house
40
00:04:20,283 --> 00:04:23,243
and read while we were there
last Easter.
41
00:04:23,322 --> 00:04:26,163
I was there with Jenny, a friend.
42
00:04:26,243 --> 00:04:28,603
Her family doesn't have a house.
43
00:04:28,683 --> 00:04:32,163
And she continued talking
how lucky we were to have a cabin.
44
00:04:32,243 --> 00:04:35,483
It would be nice to have a cabin
where we could play cards and...
45
00:04:35,523 --> 00:04:38,403
And my mother, who doesn't want to see
how privileged we are,
46
00:04:38,483 --> 00:04:42,683
He made it worse by saying
you don't have to be rich to have a house.
47
00:04:42,763 --> 00:04:47,443
She wants to say that if it's your family
rich, you don't need money...
48
00:04:47,523 --> 00:04:52,003
- Mom! Stop it.
- You can live on your inheritance.
49
00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:53,523
Did you find your bra?
50
00:04:53,603 --> 00:04:56,283
I sprained my ankle and had to rest.
51
00:04:56,363 --> 00:05:01,723
And when Mom, Nan and Jenny went
walk, I took a book from the shelf.
52
00:05:01,803 --> 00:05:04,523
Really purely by accident.
53
00:05:04,643 --> 00:05:06,843
It's called "L'esprit de famille"
54
00:05:06,963 --> 00:05:11,483
and is similar to Little Women
which you may know.
55
00:05:11,523 --> 00:05:13,483
This one is also about four sisters.
56
00:05:13,523 --> 00:05:18,123
They are the doctor's daughters
living on the outskirts of Paris.
57
00:05:18,203 --> 00:05:21,363
The main character, Pauline, is sixteen.
58
00:05:21,443 --> 00:05:25,603
The book starts with her
starting school at a new school in Paris.
59
00:05:25,683 --> 00:05:31,683
There he meets a girl named Bea
whose uncle is an artist.
60
00:05:31,763 --> 00:05:34,923
One day they visit his studio.
61
00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:39,203
He is different from anyone she has ever met.
62
00:05:39,283 --> 00:05:43,083
He looks into her eyes
and talks to her as if she were an adult.
63
00:05:43,163 --> 00:05:47,043
Even though he is much older
and has a ten-year-old daughter,
64
00:05:47,123 --> 00:05:50,683
she falls in love with him.
65
00:05:50,763 --> 00:05:55,283
She doesn't tell anyone
she just visits him with Bea.
66
00:05:55,363 --> 00:05:58,043
Until one day when Bea got sick.
67
00:05:58,123 --> 00:06:01,243
Then he gathers courage
and visits him alone.
68
00:06:01,322 --> 00:06:04,083
And when he opens the door
and sees that she is alone,
69
00:06:04,163 --> 00:06:10,243
realizes he feels the same
that he was waiting for her to come.
70
00:06:11,882 --> 00:06:14,882
And then they have sex.
71
00:06:16,483 --> 00:06:19,723
And well...
72
00:06:19,803 --> 00:06:24,083
When I read this, I thought
I recognized something in myself.
73
00:06:24,163 --> 00:06:26,203
A kind of longing.
74
00:06:26,283 --> 00:06:30,523
The kind I had felt before, since childhood
but I never understood.
75
00:06:30,643 --> 00:06:34,603
And he tried to keep his distance.
76
00:06:34,683 --> 00:06:38,123
But now I felt it
all over my body, on my skin.
77
00:06:38,203 --> 00:06:45,043
Powerful, tingling feeling of thirst
being completely naked next to someone.
78
00:06:46,363 --> 00:06:50,683
And there was one thing
in a book I really liked.
79
00:06:50,763 --> 00:06:54,322
Pauline had a long knitted scarf.
80
00:06:54,403 --> 00:07:01,043
And whenever she left his house, he did
wrap the scarf three times around your neck.
81
00:07:01,123 --> 00:07:03,243
Always three times.
82
00:07:03,322 --> 00:07:10,323
And he did it with such... tenderness
I cried reading this.
83
00:07:10,403 --> 00:07:12,803
Mostly because it was so beautiful.
84
00:07:12,883 --> 00:07:19,123
But also because I missed you so much
for the one day it happened to me.
85
00:07:36,843 --> 00:07:41,523
A few months passed and at least it happened
think about it this spring and summer,
86
00:07:41,603 --> 00:07:44,283
it wasn't as intense anymore.
87
00:07:44,363 --> 00:07:49,363
And when I first felt the longing return,
it was already halfway through the fall semester.
88
00:07:49,443 --> 00:07:52,843
Its intensity
It completely caught me off guard.
89
00:07:52,963 --> 00:07:56,643
Maybe that's what it is -
things happen when you least expect it.
90
00:07:56,723 --> 00:08:02,043
Hi, my name is Johanna. I will be yours
This year, a teacher of French and Norwegian.
91
00:08:02,123 --> 00:08:04,483
A little about me:
92
00:08:04,523 --> 00:08:08,523
My name is Johanna... as I said.
93
00:08:08,603 --> 00:08:16,123
I studied textile art at the Academy
art, and I also work as a teacher.
94
00:08:16,203 --> 00:08:19,403
I spent a year in the USA, in the Midwest
95
00:08:19,483 --> 00:08:25,123
where I worked
on an organic peanut farm for six months.
96
00:08:25,203 --> 00:08:29,923
It was quite boring, so I moved
to New York and got a job in a coffee shop.
97
00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:34,163
I also studied fashion in Paris for a year.
98
00:08:34,243 --> 00:08:37,523
Are you okay? Just ask
if you have any questions.
99
00:08:37,643 --> 00:08:43,043
Please enter your name
and one fun fact about yourself.
100
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:48,483
- What's your name?
- Ania. I like to dye my hair.
101
00:08:48,523 --> 00:08:52,963
- Nice color. And you?
- My name is...
102
00:08:53,043 --> 00:08:56,003
My name is Josef and I love exercising.
103
00:08:57,403 --> 00:09:01,043
My name is Helene
and I don't like chocolate.
104
00:09:01,123 --> 00:09:07,403
- And you? What's your name?
- My name is Johanne and I like... salmon.
105
00:09:07,483 --> 00:09:11,043
I'll remember that.
It's just like mine, with an E at the end.
106
00:09:11,123 --> 00:09:13,003
What's your name?
107
00:09:13,083 --> 00:09:17,643
My name is Johannes
and I'm illegal in 69 countries.
108
00:09:17,722 --> 00:09:20,763
I couldn't understand it at first.
109
00:09:20,843 --> 00:09:24,643
It was so overwhelming.
Totally weird.
110
00:09:26,163 --> 00:09:30,722
As if I felt her presence
throughout my body.
111
00:09:35,443 --> 00:09:38,403
I started looking for her.
112
00:09:39,683 --> 00:09:44,163
The day seemed like a complete waste
if I hadn't seen her.
113
00:09:44,243 --> 00:09:50,203
And it didn't take long. A little peek
it was enough to put me in a great mood.
114
00:10:19,483 --> 00:10:21,602
- Hello!
- Hello.
115
00:10:31,763 --> 00:10:34,602
She was very nice and sweet
everyone.
116
00:10:34,683 --> 00:10:38,602
But I still had the impression that she
he paid special attention to me.
117
00:10:38,683 --> 00:10:42,403
And from French
this is one of my best topics,
118
00:10:42,483 --> 00:10:45,523
we were on the same wavelength.
119
00:10:45,643 --> 00:10:48,443
And even if her classes
it went through everyone's heads,
120
00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:52,523
She was really interested in it
French presidents e.g.
121
00:10:52,602 --> 00:10:55,443
I managed to keep up
and she liked it.
122
00:10:55,523 --> 00:11:01,043
She called me Jeanne
French for Johanne.
123
00:11:01,123 --> 00:11:06,083
Réduire les trop grandes
inégalités de revenu
124
00:11:06,163 --> 00:11:09,602
et creators of education and culture?
125
00:11:09,683 --> 00:11:12,203
She didn't say that to anyone else.
126
00:11:12,283 --> 00:11:18,003
Maybe that's why I started fantasizing
that she liked me more than others,
127
00:11:18,083 --> 00:11:20,602
and that we have a special bond.
128
00:11:22,483 --> 00:11:25,203
I really felt that way.
129
00:11:28,203 --> 00:11:35,523
I was thinking about her more and more.
Not only at school, but also at home.
130
00:11:35,643 --> 00:11:38,843
It was like always
on the back of the head.
131
00:11:38,963 --> 00:11:43,123
No matter the context
appeared.
132
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,763
She was the first thing I thought of
when I woke up.
133
00:11:45,843 --> 00:11:49,683
Everything during breakfast
It occurred to me what she was going through.
134
00:11:49,763 --> 00:11:53,403
I imagined
that she would eat croissants.
135
00:11:53,483 --> 00:11:57,283
I was thinking about her when I was getting dressed
also. I wondered what she might wear.
136
00:11:57,363 --> 00:12:02,843
I was trying to choose outfits
I thought she would, or at least notice.
137
00:12:02,963 --> 00:12:06,763
Because I noticed
her outfits, you know?
138
00:12:06,843 --> 00:12:10,323
She had a beautiful, unique style.
139
00:12:10,403 --> 00:12:12,883
She mainly wore woolen sweaters.
140
00:12:13,003 --> 00:12:17,163
I was fascinated by the fact that she could carry
wool on her skin.
141
00:12:17,243 --> 00:12:19,963
I always found it
so uncomfortable.
142
00:12:21,163 --> 00:12:25,283
But seeing him wearing it
he did something to me.
143
00:12:25,363 --> 00:12:28,043
And when she rolled up her sleeves...
144
00:12:28,123 --> 00:12:31,923
That point where
the sleeve touched her skin...
145
00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:35,722
View of this
it sent shivers down my entire body.
146
00:12:35,803 --> 00:12:39,883
I couldn't wait to touch it.
See how it feels.
147
00:12:40,003 --> 00:12:43,283
But at least I felt
the effect it had on me
148
00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:46,443
I still didn't understand what it was.
149
00:12:46,523 --> 00:12:49,043
Isn't that weird?
150
00:12:53,083 --> 00:12:57,923
I guess I didn't realize that
until I woke up from a dream about her.
151
00:13:00,443 --> 00:13:02,683
We were in the cottage.
152
00:13:02,763 --> 00:13:08,883
They were different, but they were outside.
There were only me and Johanna in the house.
153
00:13:09,003 --> 00:13:11,609
I took a nap
the sofa, but I wasn't there
154
00:13:11,621 --> 00:13:14,123
I sleep because I do
he felt her presence.
155
00:13:14,203 --> 00:13:16,243
She lay down close to me.
156
00:13:16,323 --> 00:13:21,443
I felt her knee between mine.
She put her arm around me.
157
00:13:22,483 --> 00:13:27,323
And I opened my eyes
and turned to face her.
158
00:13:27,403 --> 00:13:30,923
And suddenly
it was as if we were naked.
159
00:13:32,483 --> 00:13:35,803
Then I woke up.
160
00:13:35,883 --> 00:13:40,323
My body felt warm and strange
almost as if I had a fever.
161
00:13:40,403 --> 00:13:42,843
And I felt terrible.
162
00:13:42,963 --> 00:13:46,243
As if I had done something terrible.
163
00:13:46,323 --> 00:13:49,323
Something almost forbidden.
164
00:13:55,483 --> 00:13:57,923
It stayed in my body the next day.
165
00:13:58,043 --> 00:14:00,523
And I was worried that people would notice.
166
00:14:00,602 --> 00:14:04,163
That everyone could see
what I dreamed about.
167
00:14:05,363 --> 00:14:09,323
Fortunately, the first class wasn't hers.
We had choreography.
168
00:14:09,403 --> 00:14:15,803
We did small everyday activities
related to different parts of our school.
169
00:14:19,803 --> 00:14:24,163
And even though I felt uncomfortable, I did
so funny that I forgot about it for a while.
170
00:14:24,243 --> 00:14:27,043
Eight, one and two
three and four.
171
00:14:27,123 --> 00:14:31,083
Five, six, seven, eight
one, two, three, four.
172
00:14:31,163 --> 00:14:35,163
Five, six, seven, eight
one, two, three, four,
173
00:14:35,243 --> 00:14:38,163
five, six, seven, eight.
174
00:14:38,243 --> 00:14:44,203
But later that day, in her class
I felt shame rising.
175
00:14:44,283 --> 00:14:48,403
When she came in
it seemed like he was looking straight at me.
176
00:14:48,483 --> 00:14:50,443
As if she knew everything.
177
00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:56,243
I couldn't look at her, I just tried
learn how to avoid it.
178
00:14:57,043 --> 00:15:00,243
Even though...
That's not what I wanted, right?
179
00:15:00,323 --> 00:15:02,683
I wanted something completely opposite.
180
00:15:02,763 --> 00:15:06,363
It seemed like everything back then
he fell.
181
00:15:06,443 --> 00:15:11,083
No matter how I looked at it
everything seemed impossible.
182
00:15:11,163 --> 00:15:14,203
And I couldn't even hide it.
183
00:15:14,283 --> 00:15:18,683
I have to ask.
Anine and I talked about this earlier.
184
00:15:18,763 --> 00:15:22,083
You've seemed a little off lately.
185
00:15:22,163 --> 00:15:24,363
Why would you talk about it?
186
00:15:24,443 --> 00:15:28,203
We were worried
you were struggling with something.
187
00:15:28,283 --> 00:15:30,243
Well, there's nothing.
188
00:15:30,323 --> 00:15:34,283
- I found this website.
- Ania, stop it.
189
00:15:34,363 --> 00:15:39,523
Listen: there are many anonymous helplines
for young people in Norway
190
00:15:39,603 --> 00:15:41,763
where you can talk to someone.
191
00:15:41,843 --> 00:15:48,643
You can also try self-help apps that do this
help you get out of difficult situations.
192
00:15:48,723 --> 00:15:52,163
- I don't need it.
- Maia tried.
193
00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:54,523
Yes? Why?
194
00:15:54,603 --> 00:15:58,603
Her mother participated in a home makeover program
and she couldn't cope with it.
195
00:15:58,683 --> 00:16:01,403
- You can try.
- It worked on her.
196
00:16:01,483 --> 00:16:06,523
I don't need or want to try that.
I'm fine.
197
00:16:06,603 --> 00:16:08,803
Would you rather we didn't ask?
198
00:16:08,883 --> 00:16:13,003
No, it's just...
I have trouble sleeping, that's all.
199
00:16:13,083 --> 00:16:17,283
- They can also help you fall asleep.
- Just like sleep apps.
200
00:16:17,363 --> 00:16:20,403
I couldn't tell them. What would I say?
201
00:16:20,483 --> 00:16:22,643
That I fell in love?
202
00:16:22,723 --> 00:16:30,003
And then the word passed over me
mind that I realized what it was.
203
00:16:30,083 --> 00:16:34,403
I just went crazy
in love with Joanna.
204
00:16:34,483 --> 00:16:39,923
It was terrible and wonderful
at the same time.
205
00:16:40,043 --> 00:16:43,923
It seemed unthinkable.
Because she's an adult.
206
00:16:44,043 --> 00:16:46,883
But this was also the artist presented in the book.
207
00:16:47,003 --> 00:16:50,003
And it didn't bother me when I read it.
208
00:16:50,083 --> 00:16:55,243
The more I thought about it, the more
I allowed myself to fantasize about it.
209
00:16:55,323 --> 00:16:57,523
Do you understand
what am I trying to say?
210
00:16:57,643 --> 00:17:00,403
When you think about something
long enough
211
00:17:00,483 --> 00:17:03,523
then gradually
seems less unreal.
212
00:17:03,643 --> 00:17:08,803
These thoughts are running through my head
I really wanted to tell someone about this.
213
00:17:08,883 --> 00:17:14,203
This is what it's like to be in love.
You want everyone to know.
214
00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:16,402
Because it feels so good.
215
00:17:16,483 --> 00:17:19,523
And above all
I wanted to tell Johanna.
216
00:17:21,523 --> 00:17:26,763
I lie and think about
How would she react if I told her?
217
00:17:28,443 --> 00:17:33,803
The worst would be
if she didn't understand what I was saying.
218
00:17:33,883 --> 00:17:39,323
Or worse;
for her to laugh condescendingly.
219
00:17:39,402 --> 00:17:43,923
The way adults laugh
when your child says something cute.
220
00:17:50,483 --> 00:17:57,402
We heard today is your birthday
so we did it for you.
221
00:17:57,483 --> 00:17:59,763
For me?
222
00:17:59,843 --> 00:18:03,083
- Can I open it now?
-Of course!
223
00:18:04,162 --> 00:18:08,203
- We knitted it ourselves.
- It's so exciting!
224
00:18:08,283 --> 00:18:11,443
I didn't realize it was her birthday.
225
00:18:11,523 --> 00:18:17,043
And knitting – I saw her
I talk to some students about this.
226
00:18:17,123 --> 00:18:21,043
Because she is a textile artist
and knitting became fashionable.
227
00:18:21,123 --> 00:18:28,323
But it never occurred to me to...
because I wasn't interested in knitting.
228
00:18:28,402 --> 00:18:33,162
But I should have known it was possible
they were a way to get closer to her.
229
00:18:33,243 --> 00:18:38,043
Suddenly I felt like everyone else
he was closer to her than I was.
230
00:18:38,883 --> 00:18:40,923
I felt completely lost.
231
00:18:41,083 --> 00:18:44,483
I blamed myself
for not thinking about it.
232
00:18:44,523 --> 00:18:46,723
But I couldn't even knit.
233
00:18:46,803 --> 00:18:50,203
I had to learn this
but how long would it take?
234
00:18:50,283 --> 00:18:52,443
Mom?
235
00:18:52,523 --> 00:18:55,003
- I see where they're going...
- Mom.
236
00:18:55,083 --> 00:18:59,083
You're on Zoom, just so you know.
This is not a good time.
237
00:18:59,162 --> 00:19:03,443
I just have a quick question.
Can you teach me to knit?
238
00:19:03,523 --> 00:19:08,363
I'm sorry. Ask your grandma
I don't know if we even have needles.
239
00:19:08,443 --> 00:19:10,763
We have to have wires!
240
00:19:10,843 --> 00:19:14,643
We definitely don't have any yarn.
We can buy some next week.
241
00:19:14,723 --> 00:19:17,483
Next week? I have to study now!
242
00:19:17,523 --> 00:19:21,523
I haven't knitted anything for years.
I'm not the right person to ask this.
243
00:19:21,643 --> 00:19:25,443
- You don't know anything!
- We'll talk about it later.
244
00:19:28,123 --> 00:19:30,923
I was in a dark place this weekend.
245
00:19:31,043 --> 00:19:33,603
I imagined all kinds
scary scenarios.
246
00:19:33,683 --> 00:19:38,683
Like other students visiting her
and they all knitted together.
247
00:19:38,763 --> 00:19:42,523
And that I was the only one who wasn't invited.
248
00:19:42,603 --> 00:19:45,243
Very sick thoughts.
249
00:19:45,323 --> 00:19:50,283
As you know, there's a pandemic
it affected us throughout last year.
250
00:19:50,363 --> 00:19:53,763
Next Monday
I was completely exhausted.
251
00:19:53,843 --> 00:19:58,603
My mother wanted me to stay at home
but I couldn't. I had to see her.
252
00:19:58,683 --> 00:20:02,162
I couldn't bear the thought
others who see it, not me.
253
00:20:03,763 --> 00:20:07,363
I didn't have any of her classes
which was also terrible.
254
00:20:07,443 --> 00:20:09,523
I didn't even know if she was at school.
255
00:20:09,643 --> 00:20:15,402
Do you have any thoughts
about how the pandemic affected us?
256
00:20:15,483 --> 00:20:17,683
No.
257
00:20:17,763 --> 00:20:23,603
Then I saw her coming in late at night.
It was almost anticlimactic, painful,
258
00:20:23,683 --> 00:20:27,523
seeing her all happy and content.
259
00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:29,243
What are you looking at?
260
00:20:29,323 --> 00:20:33,243
I was lost.
I felt like I was losing my mind.
261
00:20:33,323 --> 00:20:35,483
During the last break
I couldn't stand it anymore.
262
00:20:35,523 --> 00:20:39,203
I went to the staff room.
I had to talk to her.
263
00:20:39,283 --> 00:20:42,402
I had to tell her everything
I planned to tell her.
264
00:20:42,483 --> 00:20:47,443
- Have you seen Johanna today?
- Yes, but she's in a meeting now.
265
00:20:47,523 --> 00:20:49,483
OK
266
00:20:55,803 --> 00:21:00,043
So that's it
you will be the deputy.
267
00:21:00,123 --> 00:21:04,003
But as I stood there, I…
268
00:21:04,083 --> 00:21:06,923
When you lie in bed
imagining things
269
00:21:07,003 --> 00:21:10,203
You forget
that the reality is often completely different.
270
00:21:10,283 --> 00:21:12,363
Looking for someone?
271
00:21:12,443 --> 00:21:16,443
That the lights are different.
That other people are present.
272
00:21:16,523 --> 00:21:20,483
These are the words you planned
impossible to express
273
00:21:20,523 --> 00:21:25,003
middle of the afternoon
in a regular school in Oslo.
274
00:21:25,083 --> 00:21:27,683
There is actually no room for this.
275
00:21:51,283 --> 00:21:56,003
I didn't go to school this week.
My mother thought I was sick.
276
00:21:56,083 --> 00:22:01,523
And in a way, yes.
I could barely eat or sleep.
277
00:22:01,603 --> 00:22:04,723
I was just lying in bed and thinking about her.
278
00:22:04,803 --> 00:22:09,483
I would stare at the photo
I secretly took her to class.
279
00:22:09,523 --> 00:22:15,603
In an instant I imagined her visiting me
she cries and says she missed me.
280
00:22:15,683 --> 00:22:18,402
And I would pull her to me
and comfort her.
281
00:22:18,483 --> 00:22:20,402
And I imagined us as a couple.
282
00:22:20,483 --> 00:22:24,402
Shopping, holding hands
holidays in Spain.
283
00:22:25,283 --> 00:22:28,283
But in the next minute
everything seemed hopeless.
284
00:22:28,363 --> 00:22:31,123
And I just lay there and cried.
285
00:22:50,683 --> 00:22:54,043
At this moment
I decided to talk to her.
286
00:23:06,323 --> 00:23:10,683
I found her address on the Internet
but I've never been to this part of town.
287
00:23:10,763 --> 00:23:16,083
And he wandered the streets for a long time
before he found her building.
288
00:23:35,443 --> 00:23:38,683
I felt like I had thrown myself off a cliff.
289
00:23:38,763 --> 00:23:42,443
Or I would be saved,
and everything would be fine.
290
00:23:42,523 --> 00:23:45,843
Or my whole life would be over.
291
00:25:08,483 --> 00:25:13,723
A year has passed since then
and in a way it's okay that it's over.
292
00:25:13,803 --> 00:25:20,162
I rarely think about her now.
And when I do, they are happy thoughts.
293
00:25:20,243 --> 00:25:26,523
Because it was so nice.
Very painful, but above all wonderful.
294
00:25:26,603 --> 00:25:30,843
That's why I wrote it down.
To keep it with me.
295
00:25:30,963 --> 00:25:34,963
I know I will never forget this
but memories change, you know.
296
00:25:35,043 --> 00:25:39,483
That's what I thought, if I found the right words
describe exactly as it was,
297
00:25:39,523 --> 00:25:43,683
I could capture it and record it.
298
00:25:43,763 --> 00:25:47,523
Something I can hold
forever in my hand.
299
00:25:47,643 --> 00:25:49,923
That's why I didn't want to
to store it in the cloud.
300
00:25:50,003 --> 00:25:53,123
I wanted to have it with me
close to my body.
301
00:25:53,203 --> 00:25:55,523
At first I kept it on my Mac.
302
00:25:55,603 --> 00:26:00,123
Then I had the idea to write it down
the flash drive Jenny gave me for Christmas.
303
00:26:00,203 --> 00:26:03,483
What is my most precious thing now
possession in the world.
304
00:26:03,523 --> 00:26:05,483
Still
305
00:26:05,523 --> 00:26:08,043
Because it still is.
306
00:26:08,123 --> 00:26:13,123
Despite my fears, I would feel different
I'll let someone else read it someday.
307
00:26:13,203 --> 00:26:16,402
I haven't told that to a living soul, have I.
308
00:26:16,483 --> 00:26:18,402
With which I was happy.
309
00:26:18,483 --> 00:26:25,402
But then, when it hurt the most,
I felt very lonely keeping it to myself.
310
00:26:25,483 --> 00:26:28,523
So I decided to show up
Nan, what I wrote.
311
00:26:28,643 --> 00:26:30,763
She is more open than her mother.
312
00:26:30,843 --> 00:26:33,843
And yet I regretted it
as soon as I asked her.
313
00:26:33,963 --> 00:26:37,443
And when I went to talk to her
I was mad at myself
314
00:26:37,523 --> 00:26:39,523
convinced I had ruined everything.
315
00:26:39,603 --> 00:26:44,283
I love these colors.
Have you made a similar scarf yourself?
316
00:26:44,363 --> 00:26:47,803
No, no.
I only have the one you bought for me.
317
00:26:47,883 --> 00:26:50,043
There's nothing wrong with having two.
318
00:26:50,123 --> 00:26:54,923
I never wear this.
It's way too warm for me.
319
00:26:56,523 --> 00:26:59,803
- These are not my colors.
-I understand.
320
00:26:59,883 --> 00:27:03,402
But it's beautiful.
Really.
321
00:27:04,603 --> 00:27:06,603
Did I just write that?
322
00:27:06,683 --> 00:27:10,162
- Have you printed it?
- Yes...?
323
00:27:10,243 --> 00:27:13,683
- Can I receive the printout later?
- Yes, of course.
324
00:27:13,763 --> 00:27:16,323
- You didn't print any more copies?
- No.
325
00:27:16,402 --> 00:27:20,123
I don't want anyone else to read this.
326
00:27:21,363 --> 00:27:24,162
And the pendrive, do you have it?
327
00:27:27,963 --> 00:27:30,443
Here it is.
328
00:27:36,162 --> 00:27:39,963
Won't you say something?
Have you read this?
329
00:27:41,243 --> 00:27:43,083
I read it.
330
00:27:43,162 --> 00:27:46,843
I wonder how you are doing now?
It was so sad.
331
00:27:46,963 --> 00:27:48,683
I'm fine.
332
00:27:48,763 --> 00:27:52,162
Have you had enough? You're not in love anymore?
333
00:27:52,243 --> 00:27:55,083
You still have no contact with her?
334
00:27:55,162 --> 00:27:57,763
I haven't seen her in ages.
335
00:27:58,523 --> 00:28:02,323
- She doesn't teach at my school anymore.
-I understand.
336
00:28:02,402 --> 00:28:04,443
I'm just asking.
337
00:28:04,523 --> 00:28:06,603
What do you think?
338
00:28:06,683 --> 00:28:11,203
- About what you wrote?
- Yes, about the whole thing.
339
00:28:11,283 --> 00:28:15,603
- You don't say anything.
- I don't know what to say.
340
00:28:15,683 --> 00:28:20,723
You wrote this for yourself, right?
As a processing method?
341
00:28:20,803 --> 00:28:25,443
Yes... I wrote it because
I didn't want it to disappear.
342
00:28:25,523 --> 00:28:27,763
I wanted to stop it.
343
00:28:27,843 --> 00:28:32,123
To be able to keep it with me forever.
344
00:28:32,203 --> 00:28:34,323
I mean, it was...
345
00:28:34,402 --> 00:28:37,523
It's the most beautiful thing
ever experience.
346
00:28:37,643 --> 00:28:42,243
Still, part of me wanted to
someone else may know about it.
347
00:28:42,323 --> 00:28:47,043
Because I had no one
share it with someone.
348
00:28:48,403 --> 00:28:50,683
And it was quite lonely.
349
00:28:50,763 --> 00:28:55,163
When something really terrible happens
or something wonderful happens,
350
00:28:55,243 --> 00:28:57,723
you want to share it with someone.
351
00:28:57,803 --> 00:28:59,843
I understand completely.
352
00:28:59,963 --> 00:29:02,603
I'm glad you trusted me to read it.
353
00:29:02,683 --> 00:29:07,323
But I think...
You know me, I'm a poet.
354
00:29:07,403 --> 00:29:11,643
Do you consider this possibility
turning it into a book?
355
00:29:11,723 --> 00:29:15,363
Is that why you wanted me
read this? To help you?
356
00:29:15,443 --> 00:29:21,523
No. I asked you because
I had no one else to ask.
357
00:29:21,603 --> 00:29:28,843
And I thought you might be the one
who wouldn't react badly to it.
358
00:29:28,963 --> 00:29:31,043
Be really shocked or angry.
359
00:29:31,123 --> 00:29:34,003
No, not at all, honey.
360
00:29:36,883 --> 00:29:38,923
Didn't that shock you?
361
00:29:39,043 --> 00:29:40,803
No... Shocked?
362
00:29:40,883 --> 00:29:43,403
Well, maybe a little.
363
00:29:43,483 --> 00:29:45,923
It was quite a shocking read.
364
00:29:47,283 --> 00:29:52,203
- But you're not disappointed in me?
- No, not at all.
365
00:29:53,523 --> 00:29:55,403
But...
366
00:29:55,483 --> 00:29:58,123
Johanne, you must
show it to your mom.
367
00:29:58,203 --> 00:30:01,883
No, I can't.
What makes you say that?
368
00:30:02,003 --> 00:30:04,163
You have to.
369
00:30:04,243 --> 00:30:09,243
- If you don't do it, I will have to.
- No. You can't do this!
370
00:30:09,323 --> 00:30:12,723
- She'll be furious!
- Listen, honey.
371
00:30:12,803 --> 00:30:19,003
Maybe I'll talk to Kristin
one, two, five, ten times a week.
372
00:30:19,083 --> 00:30:22,923
Keep it from her
It would make me very uncomfortable.
373
00:30:23,003 --> 00:30:28,683
After all, she's your mother. I would do it
I feel like I'm going behind her back.
374
00:30:28,763 --> 00:30:32,163
That's not how we do it
in our little family.
375
00:30:33,763 --> 00:30:36,723
Do you want me to talk to her?
I can ask her to read it.
376
00:30:36,803 --> 00:30:40,003
Then you have to promise
don't give it a copy.
377
00:30:40,083 --> 00:30:43,763
- You can read it here.
- And give it back to me later.
378
00:30:43,843 --> 00:30:48,323
- And delete all copies from your computer.
-I promise.
379
00:30:48,403 --> 00:30:51,243
It was all a mistake.
380
00:30:51,323 --> 00:30:56,843
Well, not really. It was huge
relief that I can finally get it out.
381
00:30:56,963 --> 00:31:00,763
And I realize
that I had to let my mother read it.
382
00:31:00,843 --> 00:31:04,603
But I still think about it
as the beginning of the end.
383
00:31:04,683 --> 00:31:08,523
If I may say so.
Well, the end of what?
384
00:31:09,523 --> 00:31:12,483
Thoughts and dreams can be wonderful.
385
00:31:12,523 --> 00:31:16,643
May contain
look and be however you want.
386
00:31:16,723 --> 00:31:18,843
As long as you keep it to yourself.
387
00:31:18,963 --> 00:31:23,763
The moment you let others in
everything falls apart and changes.
388
00:31:23,843 --> 00:31:25,643
And so it happened.
389
00:31:25,723 --> 00:31:30,523
After mom reads this
everything took a different turn.
390
00:32:02,723 --> 00:32:06,283
- What do you think about it?
- I'm sad.
391
00:32:06,363 --> 00:32:11,843
She never said a word.
I don't know if I should be angry or what.
392
00:32:14,203 --> 00:32:16,163
- I need water.
-Yogurt?
393
00:32:16,243 --> 00:32:18,403
No, thank you. Maybe coffee.
394
00:32:19,443 --> 00:32:21,803
Have you read the whole thing?
395
00:32:26,083 --> 00:32:28,403
I just...
396
00:32:28,483 --> 00:32:30,843
I can't believe I didn't do it...
397
00:32:32,483 --> 00:32:35,363
you see this or noticed anything.
398
00:32:35,443 --> 00:32:39,243
- You had no idea, right?
- Not before reading this.
399
00:32:40,323 --> 00:32:44,763
- I knew something was up, I just...
- You didn't expect this.
400
00:32:45,523 --> 00:32:48,043
I really didn't do it.
401
00:32:48,123 --> 00:32:51,243
- Can you turn down the music?
- Do it yourself!
402
00:33:10,683 --> 00:33:13,443
So often...
403
00:33:16,123 --> 00:33:19,443
When I think about Johanne, I often...
404
00:33:20,283 --> 00:33:23,283
imagine her when she was little.
405
00:33:24,283 --> 00:33:27,843
But she's not a child anymore
that's for sure.
406
00:33:27,963 --> 00:33:34,363
But when I read it,
with all these intimate descriptions...
407
00:33:34,443 --> 00:33:37,243
Imagining a child at the same time...
408
00:33:37,323 --> 00:33:39,803
It's very confusing.
409
00:33:39,883 --> 00:33:42,403
- Quite spicy.
- You could say so.
410
00:33:42,483 --> 00:33:45,603
What are you thinking about?
411
00:33:47,243 --> 00:33:50,363
I don't know.
412
00:33:50,443 --> 00:33:52,963
I have to call the school.
413
00:33:53,043 --> 00:33:55,283
Or report the school to the police.
414
00:33:55,363 --> 00:33:59,683
Can I report the teacher?
What do you think?
415
00:34:00,523 --> 00:34:05,603
I need to talk to Johanne first
and find out what really happened.
416
00:34:05,683 --> 00:34:09,443
- Everything is there.
- Is that true?
417
00:34:09,523 --> 00:34:13,723
How much truth is there
and how many are just made up?
418
00:34:13,803 --> 00:34:17,843
It can be interpreted
as I imagined something.
419
00:34:17,963 --> 00:34:22,603
But I find it hard to believe
when it says so...
420
00:34:23,483 --> 00:34:28,523
How can you write something like that
unless you have experienced it?
421
00:34:28,643 --> 00:34:30,443
It's so detailed.
422
00:34:30,523 --> 00:34:33,762
Her descriptions of the teacher's body...
423
00:34:33,843 --> 00:34:37,163
She must have... seen her naked.
424
00:34:37,243 --> 00:34:43,323
I thought so too.
But it can also be a literary device.
425
00:34:43,443 --> 00:34:46,003
You know, the ambiguity.
426
00:34:46,083 --> 00:34:49,762
Leaving the reader
wonder if that happened
427
00:34:49,843 --> 00:34:54,003
or is it all just
in the main character's head.
428
00:34:54,083 --> 00:34:58,762
That's why this is so intriguing to me.
429
00:34:58,843 --> 00:35:02,323
I mean, I'm a reader.
It's very addictive.
430
00:35:02,443 --> 00:35:06,803
Some of these fragments
They're out of this world, aren't they?
431
00:35:06,883 --> 00:35:08,403
This is very well written.
432
00:35:08,483 --> 00:35:13,883
Sometimes I almost forgot about it
that it's about Johanne.
433
00:35:14,003 --> 00:35:16,683
- Really?
- Yes.
434
00:35:16,762 --> 00:35:19,883
I didn't read it like that at all.
435
00:35:20,003 --> 00:35:25,443
If this is true,
if such a thing actually happened,
436
00:35:25,523 --> 00:35:29,323
it was illegal back then
and Johanne is the victim of an assault.
437
00:35:30,083 --> 00:35:33,843
Attack? No, I can't believe it.
438
00:35:33,963 --> 00:35:37,443
But you can't know that.
439
00:35:37,523 --> 00:35:41,363
If you can write about it
something like this
440
00:35:41,483 --> 00:35:46,683
with such maturity
and the use of such literary devices,
441
00:35:46,762 --> 00:35:51,883
doesn't that mean you are
sane and in control of the situation?
442
00:35:52,003 --> 00:35:58,243
There is no indication that this is the case
he experienced something painful.
443
00:35:58,323 --> 00:36:02,203
Beyond Heartbreak
which can hurt like hell.
444
00:36:02,282 --> 00:36:07,723
She wrote beautiful
an extraordinary love story.
445
00:36:07,803 --> 00:36:10,163
And...
446
00:36:10,243 --> 00:36:13,083
This text was not written by the victim of the assault.
447
00:36:13,163 --> 00:36:18,203
He's seventeen
unable to evaluate...
448
00:36:18,282 --> 00:36:22,443
I mean...
She could have been manipulated!
449
00:36:22,523 --> 00:36:28,443
It may take years to realize this.
It needs to be processed.
450
00:36:28,523 --> 00:36:32,923
She wrote a 95-page story
451
00:36:33,043 --> 00:36:38,523
detailed analysis
own emotional life.
452
00:36:38,643 --> 00:36:44,123
If this does not result in processing,
I don't know what it is.
453
00:36:44,203 --> 00:36:49,083
You say it's ambiguous.
Which I agree with.
454
00:36:49,163 --> 00:36:54,243
But this ambiguity can be interpreted as
an attempt to protect those involved.
455
00:36:54,323 --> 00:36:56,923
Johanne could have protected her attacker.
456
00:36:57,043 --> 00:37:01,403
Stop it. You're gone
I'm completely crazy, Kristin.
457
00:37:01,483 --> 00:37:05,363
You may have been listening
too many podcasts.
458
00:37:05,483 --> 00:37:09,083
She wrote it for herself.
Why protect anyone?
459
00:37:09,163 --> 00:37:12,923
She asked us to read it.
This may be a cry for help.
460
00:37:13,003 --> 00:37:17,923
Come on.
She wanted us to read it some time later.
461
00:37:18,043 --> 00:37:24,643
She told me she wrote it
to keep it as it was.
462
00:37:24,723 --> 00:37:29,163
“Like the Virgin Mary,” she said
“who kept the secret in her heart.”
463
00:37:29,243 --> 00:37:33,323
But unlike the Virgin Mary
she wanted to write it.
464
00:37:33,443 --> 00:37:36,083
To have a material accounting of it.
465
00:37:36,163 --> 00:37:40,003
Like... Like the thing
466
00:37:40,083 --> 00:37:42,523
- Do you like something?
- Yes.
467
00:37:42,643 --> 00:37:44,843
I want to read it again.
468
00:37:44,963 --> 00:37:52,163
Be careful. She told me yes
the most beautiful thing she had ever experienced.
469
00:37:52,243 --> 00:37:56,603
Fools are in a hurry
where angels fear to tread.
470
00:37:57,603 --> 00:37:59,203
Didn't you want coffee anyway?
471
00:37:59,282 --> 00:38:02,443
It's too late.
I want to go home and read it again.
472
00:38:02,523 --> 00:38:06,843
- I promised I wouldn't give it to you.
- I'll make sure he doesn't find out.
473
00:38:06,963 --> 00:38:10,923
I should have known.
Thinking about it makes me furious.
474
00:38:11,003 --> 00:38:15,923
If it were me after all,
If I were in my mother's place,
475
00:38:16,043 --> 00:38:21,003
I would also insist on taking it with you.
For her, it wasn't someone else's life.
476
00:38:21,083 --> 00:38:24,843
It was just a stack of paper
with information about her daughter.
477
00:38:24,963 --> 00:38:28,483
Maybe I shouldn't write this
in first place?
478
00:38:28,523 --> 00:38:33,323
Why do we need to talk about photography
or write about our experiences?
479
00:38:33,403 --> 00:38:36,843
Isn't that enough
just keep it with you as a souvenir?
480
00:38:36,963 --> 00:38:40,683
A memory you will remember
in any way.
481
00:38:40,762 --> 00:38:43,762
Because that's different.
482
00:38:43,843 --> 00:38:48,683
Knowing they read it
Suddenly I cared what they thought.
483
00:38:48,762 --> 00:38:54,203
Regardless of whether they thought it was well written
and what they think about the content.
484
00:38:54,282 --> 00:38:57,323
I wrote various things about myself
what they didn't know.
485
00:38:57,403 --> 00:39:01,282
Not to mention
quite a bit of sexual content.
486
00:39:01,363 --> 00:39:06,163
They are quite open, but not
used to hearing things like that from me.
487
00:39:06,243 --> 00:39:13,403
There were other embarrassing things too.
Because I lied a lot.
488
00:39:13,483 --> 00:39:17,723
To my mom, saying I'm going to dance class
when I was actually visiting Johanna.
489
00:39:17,803 --> 00:39:22,762
But also Johanna.
The first time I went there,
490
00:39:22,843 --> 00:39:25,523
I lied.
491
00:39:28,043 --> 00:39:31,003
I was planning to tell her
I was in love.
492
00:39:31,083 --> 00:39:34,363
But when I got there,
I didn't think it was necessary.
493
00:39:34,443 --> 00:39:38,163
Because she never asked...
This is what I was afraid of.
494
00:39:38,243 --> 00:39:41,443
For her to think
what was I doing there?
495
00:39:41,523 --> 00:39:47,762
But she just embraced me and accepted me.
As if she was expecting me.
496
00:39:47,843 --> 00:39:51,282
I like it
“Of course you should be here with me.”
497
00:39:51,363 --> 00:39:53,203
"Your place is here."
498
00:39:53,282 --> 00:39:56,243
And that's exactly how I felt.
499
00:39:56,323 --> 00:39:59,043
Her apartment was so nice.
500
00:40:02,883 --> 00:40:05,843
Would you like a cup of tea?
501
00:40:05,963 --> 00:40:10,483
I felt like I had become someone else
when I went in there.
502
00:40:10,523 --> 00:40:14,762
Or... I thought I had become
the person I always wanted to be.
503
00:40:18,643 --> 00:40:22,443
Another thing that's holding me back
from telling her what I'm planning,
504
00:40:22,523 --> 00:40:25,483
that's how she spoke to me.
505
00:40:25,523 --> 00:40:29,723
She saw how nervous I was
and I assumed it was about school.
506
00:40:29,803 --> 00:40:31,723
So I kind of agreed.
507
00:40:31,803 --> 00:40:36,123
I told her things
it wasn't entirely true
508
00:40:36,203 --> 00:40:39,003
but they weren't just lies.
509
00:40:39,083 --> 00:40:44,363
Those were the things I struggled with
in our group of friends and so on.
510
00:40:44,523 --> 00:40:48,723
I just feel like it is
so much competition.
511
00:40:48,803 --> 00:40:54,723
That we will finally play these roles
from which we cannot free ourselves.
512
00:40:54,803 --> 00:40:59,443
You feel like it's over
in such a role...
513
00:40:59,523 --> 00:41:05,203
And at least I see now
that I used it as an excuse
514
00:41:05,282 --> 00:41:08,883
I'm talking to Johanna about it
I still felt really good.
515
00:41:09,003 --> 00:41:15,603
Not to brag, but I feel like I reflect
much more than others in my class.
516
00:41:15,683 --> 00:41:19,483
- That I see the whole picture.
- Sure.
517
00:41:19,523 --> 00:41:24,363
And when I express my opinion, I feel that...
518
00:41:24,443 --> 00:41:30,523
That they don't take me seriously
or look at me like I'm stupid.
519
00:41:30,643 --> 00:41:35,643
- And then I feel stupid.
- Hey, now...
520
00:41:35,723 --> 00:41:38,363
You're not stupid at all.
521
00:41:39,083 --> 00:41:41,363
Hey...
522
00:41:41,443 --> 00:41:46,683
Listen, I think it's very good
for you to take this seriously.
523
00:41:46,762 --> 00:41:49,483
You really have to.
524
00:41:49,523 --> 00:41:54,483
If you don't take yourself seriously,
neither do others.
525
00:41:54,523 --> 00:41:56,403
No...
526
00:41:56,483 --> 00:42:01,323
And just because
sometimes you discuss serious matters,
527
00:42:01,403 --> 00:42:08,443
You can still be silly, right?
You don't have to choose one or the other.
528
00:42:08,523 --> 00:42:11,363
You can be all of these things.
529
00:42:15,003 --> 00:42:18,163
I had to stay for three hours.
530
00:42:18,243 --> 00:42:22,163
I didn't want to leave
but it was getting late.
531
00:42:22,723 --> 00:42:27,323
And when we said goodbye,
I complimented her sweater.
532
00:42:27,403 --> 00:42:31,923
I told her how much I liked it
and that I wish I could knit.
533
00:42:32,043 --> 00:42:38,123
And then she said she could teach me.
And just like that, we agreed.
534
00:42:38,203 --> 00:42:43,123
That I'm coming back
and that he would teach me to knit.
535
00:42:43,203 --> 00:42:45,643
It was amazing.
536
00:42:45,723 --> 00:42:48,843
But not that amazing
like what happened next.
537
00:42:48,963 --> 00:42:51,923
Because then... Well...
538
00:42:52,003 --> 00:42:55,762
She grabbed my scarf
and wrapped it around my neck.
539
00:42:55,843 --> 00:43:03,523
It happened so fast. I was very surprised
that I could barely understand it.
540
00:43:03,603 --> 00:43:08,683
And then we hugged.
But this wasn't an ordinary hug.
541
00:43:10,003 --> 00:43:14,003
I mean... She was so close to me.
542
00:43:14,083 --> 00:43:17,523
And I felt
our thighs touch and...
543
00:43:17,643 --> 00:43:20,643
It didn't take long, but I think...
544
00:43:20,723 --> 00:43:25,923
I'm pretty sure it was
more than a simple hug for her.
545
00:43:35,203 --> 00:43:37,163
Then I started going there.
546
00:43:37,243 --> 00:43:40,723
I was there every Monday
I would skip dance class to visit her.
547
00:43:40,803 --> 00:43:43,243
I felt a bit like I was sneaking.
548
00:43:43,323 --> 00:43:46,363
Since my mother thought
I was at dance class,
549
00:43:46,443 --> 00:43:50,963
I took a detour past the dance studio
just in case.
550
00:44:09,803 --> 00:44:15,523
It's weird, like this part of town
moves from one block to another.
551
00:44:15,603 --> 00:44:20,403
From the Botanical Garden, where Nan
meets friends for walks and coffee,
552
00:44:20,483 --> 00:44:25,523
to Motzfeldt Street
which is like entering another society
553
00:44:25,603 --> 00:44:32,083
where people like different things
and they have community in their common faith.
554
00:44:32,163 --> 00:44:34,923
Unlike us.
555
00:44:59,523 --> 00:45:03,363
I asked my mother and grandmother once
why we don't believe in anything.
556
00:45:03,443 --> 00:45:08,762
And mom said she believed in love
democracy and freedom of speech.
557
00:45:08,843 --> 00:45:13,843
This made Nan sad because she
believes in God and finds comfort in him.
558
00:45:13,963 --> 00:45:19,163
“Freedom of speech will not hold your hand
on his deathbed," she said.
559
00:45:41,483 --> 00:45:45,163
At the end of Motzfeldt
you cross the square.
560
00:45:45,243 --> 00:45:49,163
Then you're just a stone's throw away
away from Johanna's apartment.
561
00:45:49,243 --> 00:45:51,523
You will find different people here.
562
00:45:51,603 --> 00:45:56,643
People who will never set foot in
Botanical Garden or Motzfeldt Street.
563
00:46:00,643 --> 00:46:02,043
It's so weird.
564
00:46:02,123 --> 00:46:07,883
You cross the footbridge to the fortress
capitalism, as Nan would say.
565
00:46:08,003 --> 00:46:11,923
Where people look
they live and breathe money.
566
00:46:29,762 --> 00:46:32,363
I don't know why Johanna lived there.
567
00:46:32,443 --> 00:46:35,243
She was so different
from others who live here.
568
00:46:35,323 --> 00:46:37,403
It wasn't her apartment.
569
00:46:37,483 --> 00:46:42,003
It belonged to a woman she knew
who spent most of her time abroad.
570
00:46:42,083 --> 00:46:45,923
When I asked who she was,
Johanna calmed down.
571
00:46:59,243 --> 00:47:02,003
I visited Johanna nine times in total.
572
00:47:02,083 --> 00:47:05,843
And I had that feeling every time
I knew the way a little better.
573
00:47:05,963 --> 00:47:08,843
As if I had a little more of it each time.
574
00:47:08,963 --> 00:47:12,523
Whatever it was,
I felt like I was growing.
575
00:47:12,603 --> 00:47:16,083
As if I was turning into someone else.
576
00:47:22,762 --> 00:47:28,282
I started thinking about other words.
Slate. Wool. Water.
577
00:47:30,723 --> 00:47:33,282
Everything I associate with Johanna
578
00:47:33,363 --> 00:47:36,523
it opened my world
and I made my life bigger.
579
00:47:40,083 --> 00:47:42,282
It was good to be there.
580
00:47:42,363 --> 00:47:45,603
Just being in the same room
doing their thing.
581
00:47:45,683 --> 00:47:49,843
I had a feeling that was the case
be a couple.
582
00:47:54,803 --> 00:47:56,923
And I really learned to knit.
583
00:47:57,043 --> 00:48:01,203
I knew the basics.
But nothing like that.
584
00:48:02,083 --> 00:48:05,443
As Johanna said:
It's an art in itself.
585
00:48:05,523 --> 00:48:08,523
And master it
you need to practice it.
586
00:48:08,643 --> 00:48:11,163
This has to become muscle memory.
587
00:48:11,243 --> 00:48:15,923
Sensitivity acquired through experience
which almost hurts at first.
588
00:48:16,003 --> 00:48:19,723
Because it's awkward and clumsy
but then...
589
00:48:19,803 --> 00:48:23,443
when you will receive it
you have it for life.
590
00:48:23,523 --> 00:48:29,123
I often thought about how safe I felt
being there.
591
00:48:29,203 --> 00:48:34,483
I can't read her mind, but I think
she liked having me there too.
592
00:48:34,523 --> 00:48:37,163
I mean, she had to.
593
00:48:37,243 --> 00:48:40,243
Because sometimes I felt like that
she didn't want me to leave.
594
00:48:40,323 --> 00:48:43,083
She was sitting really close to me.
595
00:48:43,163 --> 00:48:46,963
And it seemed to me that
we were just about to...well...kiss.
596
00:48:47,043 --> 00:48:50,762
The more you practice,
the better you will become.
597
00:48:50,843 --> 00:48:55,523
But then she moved away
as if nothing had happened.
598
00:48:55,603 --> 00:48:59,043
But I saw that she liked me.
That's what she told me.
599
00:48:59,123 --> 00:49:02,523
That she thought I was great.
600
00:49:02,643 --> 00:49:04,843
Which made me quite nervous.
601
00:49:07,163 --> 00:49:10,523
Another time I had the feeling that
she was playing with me.
602
00:49:10,643 --> 00:49:13,043
But that kind of made it more special.
603
00:49:13,123 --> 00:49:16,523
You wouldn't tease
someone you didn't like, right?
604
00:50:54,843 --> 00:50:59,243
She's not as old as Mom.
But he's an adult nonetheless.
605
00:50:59,403 --> 00:51:05,282
He reminds me of one of my cousins
who is twenty years old. They have the same skin.
606
00:51:05,443 --> 00:51:09,683
Extremely soft.
607
00:51:09,762 --> 00:51:15,483
So... it just seemed
completely overwhelming.
608
00:51:15,563 --> 00:51:18,563
I just look at her
it would drive me crazy.
609
00:51:18,603 --> 00:51:20,883
The only thing I wanted
was to touch her.
610
00:51:20,963 --> 00:51:25,883
It drove me crazy every time
I left without doing it.
611
00:51:28,282 --> 00:51:31,284
I know her and her
friends tested porn.
612
00:51:31,296 --> 00:51:32,963
Have you talked to her?
613
00:51:33,043 --> 00:51:38,243
NO. I read it again yesterday
and she is at school today.
614
00:51:38,323 --> 00:51:42,203
When I read it again yesterday,
I was so...
615
00:51:42,282 --> 00:51:46,803
I started thinking
about other things like me.
616
00:51:46,883 --> 00:51:52,203
It's so good!
I had no idea he could write like that.
617
00:51:52,282 --> 00:51:56,923
I got really carried away
that I forgot that I had read about Johanne.
618
00:51:57,003 --> 00:52:01,363
- That's exactly what I said yesterday.
- You did?
619
00:52:01,443 --> 00:52:06,723
I can really relate to what it was like
being so in love
620
00:52:06,803 --> 00:52:11,523
and the tenderness I felt
for someone else. I miss it very much.
621
00:52:12,203 --> 00:52:14,883
I was thinking about
all the people I slept with...
622
00:52:14,963 --> 00:52:19,563
All those wonderful, warm bodies
that are no longer part of my life.
623
00:52:19,603 --> 00:52:23,603
- You've slept with so many?
- Yes.
624
00:52:23,723 --> 00:52:26,483
I think more than you.
625
00:52:26,563 --> 00:52:30,282
Jesus, I made my debut
at the age of fourteen.
626
00:52:30,363 --> 00:52:34,363
I mean sexuality.
And as a writer when I was thirty-one.
627
00:52:34,443 --> 00:52:39,443
Perhaps the first one was a little too early.
The latter is definitely too late.
628
00:52:40,243 --> 00:52:44,563
I must admit that I cried a little...
629
00:52:45,443 --> 00:52:48,483
after reading. It was just...
630
00:52:48,563 --> 00:52:52,762
- I felt a little old.
- Jesus, you're not old.
631
00:52:52,843 --> 00:52:56,043
If you were old,
I would have been dead a long time ago.
632
00:52:57,683 --> 00:53:02,762
– I asked Johanna
if she wanted me to read it
633
00:53:02,843 --> 00:53:06,603
to get my professional opinion on this matter.
634
00:53:06,683 --> 00:53:11,603
- With the intention of publishing it?
- That was my first thought.
635
00:53:12,483 --> 00:53:14,683
But what...
636
00:53:14,762 --> 00:53:16,963
Do you think this could be a book?
637
00:53:17,043 --> 00:53:21,683
I was ready to call my publisher
and ask her to look at it.
638
00:53:21,762 --> 00:53:27,363
They couldn't refuse
something so fantastic.
639
00:53:27,483 --> 00:53:31,923
- But that's not happening.
- Why not?
640
00:53:32,003 --> 00:53:37,403
This wasn't written for publication
she wrote it herself. This is her life.
641
00:53:37,483 --> 00:53:41,563
It wouldn't be any less her life
if she posted it.
642
00:53:42,563 --> 00:53:45,243
It wouldn't be!
643
00:53:47,563 --> 00:53:49,843
I'm just thinking out loud.
644
00:53:49,923 --> 00:53:56,003
Yesterday you said she was a victim
abuse and now you want to publish it?
645
00:53:56,083 --> 00:54:03,123
I reacted instinctively. I see it now
as a little feminist gem of a text.
646
00:54:03,243 --> 00:54:06,603
You drove fast
from attack to feminism.
647
00:54:06,683 --> 00:54:09,083
You have to help me get here.
648
00:54:09,243 --> 00:54:12,323
Is there an internal struggle
what's going on in your head?
649
00:54:12,443 --> 00:54:18,363
You can't understand it because...
Oh, are they the Brontë sisters?
650
00:54:20,083 --> 00:54:24,003
Do you hunt mushrooms?
Any luck?
651
00:54:24,083 --> 00:54:26,803
It's a little late this year.
We found some.
652
00:54:26,883 --> 00:54:30,403
Funnel chanterelles, already frozen!
653
00:54:30,483 --> 00:54:33,762
- Here we go!
-Isn't it getting a little dark?
654
00:54:33,843 --> 00:54:38,163
Yes, it is, but we will look a little longer.
655
00:54:38,243 --> 00:54:42,843
- We won't stop you.
- Have fun!
656
00:54:42,923 --> 00:54:45,123
You are very prejudiced against me.
657
00:54:45,203 --> 00:54:50,563
What if I just think
should we use our resources?
658
00:54:50,603 --> 00:54:55,443
Even the fact that you use
the word "resources" makes...
659
00:54:55,563 --> 00:55:00,243
Then I might as well keep silent
if you object to the words I use!
660
00:55:00,323 --> 00:55:03,323
You know, I remember it very clearly.
661
00:55:03,443 --> 00:55:06,603
Do you remember?
when did we see Flashdance ages ago?
662
00:55:06,723 --> 00:55:09,683
This is the first time
I remember feeling stupid.
663
00:55:09,762 --> 00:55:14,443
Because I had a different opinion than you.
I loved this movie. I was ten years old.
664
00:55:14,563 --> 00:55:20,363
And you tore it up like it was the worst
movie ever made, a crime against humanity.
665
00:55:20,483 --> 00:55:24,843
Well, it was a terrible movie.
Kristin, please listen to me.
666
00:55:24,923 --> 00:55:30,963
I come from the generation that was present
pre-pubescent barricades,
667
00:55:31,043 --> 00:55:34,243
fighting for equal rights.
668
00:55:34,323 --> 00:55:37,363
So whenever you wanted
to watch Flashdance, I thought:
669
00:55:37,483 --> 00:55:42,843
Fantastic!
Finally a video about a welding machine.
670
00:55:42,923 --> 00:55:49,203
She was surrounded by men
but she is completely unfazed.
671
00:55:49,282 --> 00:55:51,683
Long live equality!
672
00:55:51,762 --> 00:55:54,883
But that's not what this movie was about.
673
00:55:54,963 --> 00:55:57,363
It was about her
wanting to be a sexy dancer.
674
00:55:57,483 --> 00:56:01,043
It was only intended to serve as reinforcement
675
00:56:01,123 --> 00:56:06,003
sexist stereotype of women
that we fought so hard against!
676
00:56:06,163 --> 00:56:12,723
Can't you see that this movie was
huge disappointment and reaction
677
00:56:12,883 --> 00:56:15,163
for everything I have worked for so long!
678
00:56:15,243 --> 00:56:19,083
You said it many times!
But I liked it very much. I was ten years old!
679
00:56:19,163 --> 00:56:22,363
I just wanted to dance.
You could have let me experience this joy!
680
00:56:22,443 --> 00:56:26,323
Honestly! I didn't get you the soundtrack?
681
00:56:26,443 --> 00:56:28,282
But I couldn't enjoy it!
682
00:56:28,403 --> 00:56:33,563
You robbed me of this joy
making me feel like I was wrong to like it.
683
00:56:33,603 --> 00:56:36,563
Maybe that was a good thing
I robbed you of this joy.
684
00:56:36,603 --> 00:56:41,923
This isn't right
enjoy something so bad!
685
00:56:42,003 --> 00:56:46,563
It's almost like these mass rallies
686
00:56:46,603 --> 00:56:50,043
Nazis organized
once in Nuremberg.
687
00:56:50,123 --> 00:56:53,323
I'm sure it was very fun.
I'm sure people loved them.
688
00:56:53,443 --> 00:56:56,963
- It's so stupid.
- But I must have the right to criticize it!
689
00:56:57,043 --> 00:57:00,003
- Okay, take Flashdance.
- Why can't I criticize it?
690
00:57:00,083 --> 00:57:03,243
You can interpret it
as a story about social mobility, right?
691
00:57:03,323 --> 00:57:08,243
It has already proven itself
in a male-dominated job, and now...
692
00:57:08,323 --> 00:57:12,963
I can't stop thinking
we have lost something with your generation.
693
00:57:13,043 --> 00:57:15,203
You are terribly shortsighted.
694
00:57:15,282 --> 00:57:19,563
I should be able to say something
that I think it's a great book.
695
00:57:28,163 --> 00:57:30,923
- Press this. Is the light on?
- NO.
696
00:57:31,003 --> 00:57:33,363
- Pick it up.
- Easier said than done.
697
00:57:33,443 --> 00:57:35,483
- Is anyone there?
- Is it on?
698
00:57:35,603 --> 00:57:38,363
There! Hi!
699
00:57:38,443 --> 00:57:41,883
- They're the Brontë sisters.
- Do you know where the path is?
700
00:57:41,963 --> 00:57:44,483
We stand on this.
701
00:57:46,603 --> 00:57:50,443
- Can we go to the parking lot with you?
- Of course.
702
00:57:53,563 --> 00:57:55,763
Is anyone afraid of the dark?
703
00:57:55,883 --> 00:58:01,523
A bit. I read poems aloud to myself.
It gives me strength.
704
00:58:01,603 --> 00:58:05,923
“There is no other power
than inner strength.”
705
00:58:06,003 --> 00:58:09,603
– And it comes from outside.
This is from Ekelof.
706
00:58:09,723 --> 00:58:13,603
“And what a magical name
your parents gave you
707
00:58:13,723 --> 00:58:17,483
to protect you from the darkness
and lack of self,
708
00:58:17,563 --> 00:58:21,603
to make you stand out
out of a thousand almost identical to you.
709
00:58:21,683 --> 00:58:26,283
And yet you are equally nameless
like night and darkness.
710
00:58:26,403 --> 00:58:29,403
"You're really nothing."
711
00:58:31,083 --> 00:58:34,523
"You're really nothing."
712
00:58:44,843 --> 00:58:47,523
Have you been?
all the time in dance class?
713
00:58:47,603 --> 00:58:49,203
Yes.
714
00:58:58,763 --> 00:59:01,683
Is it mine?
715
00:59:01,763 --> 00:59:03,843
Yes.
716
00:59:03,923 --> 00:59:07,043
You were supposed to read it there.
717
00:59:09,203 --> 00:59:12,323
- Is this the only copy?
- Yes.
718
00:59:12,443 --> 00:59:14,603
This is mine.
719
00:59:17,923 --> 00:59:20,323
How are you holding up?
720
00:59:27,483 --> 00:59:29,203
I'm sorry for...
721
00:59:30,243 --> 00:59:32,203
I'm lying to you.
722
00:59:38,043 --> 00:59:41,323
I was with Johanna all the time
723
00:59:41,443 --> 00:59:45,363
and I told you I am
with Jenny or at dance class.
724
00:59:48,523 --> 00:59:50,523
That's okay.
725
00:59:53,923 --> 00:59:56,003
Come here.
726
01:00:03,723 --> 01:00:05,483
It's okay.
727
01:00:11,243 --> 01:00:14,483
-You're not angry?
- No, I'm not angry.
728
01:00:16,083 --> 01:00:18,283
Why would I be angry?
729
01:00:19,443 --> 01:00:22,123
This is so wonderful, Johanne.
730
01:00:33,443 --> 01:00:36,043
This is so wonderful what you wrote.
731
01:00:39,283 --> 01:00:43,523
Everything you've been through
which I knew nothing about...
732
01:00:46,243 --> 01:00:50,083
But I have to ask.
Everything you wrote:
733
01:00:50,163 --> 01:00:52,163
Is it true?
734
01:00:54,163 --> 01:00:57,363
It's about me. It's about my life.
735
01:00:57,443 --> 01:01:00,963
- But is it true?
- What do you mean?
736
01:01:06,003 --> 01:01:10,283
Did something happen that you didn't want?
737
01:01:10,403 --> 01:01:12,603
Yes!
738
01:01:12,723 --> 01:01:15,763
She didn't want me!
739
01:01:15,843 --> 01:01:18,163
Did you expect us to end up together?
740
01:01:18,243 --> 01:01:20,003
Yes!
741
01:01:21,523 --> 01:01:26,243
The second and last time I saw here
we were so close.
742
01:01:26,323 --> 01:01:32,083
And I'm sure that's what she wanted
as bad as me.
743
01:01:32,723 --> 01:01:37,603
We were sitting there
talking and knitting for centuries.
744
01:01:37,683 --> 01:01:42,883
It was always very warm in Johanna's house
as if all the heaters were on.
745
01:01:42,963 --> 01:01:46,123
I liked it
because it's always a little cold in the house.
746
01:01:46,203 --> 01:01:49,963
But...
The heat also made me feel sleepy.
747
01:01:50,043 --> 01:01:54,483
And instead of suggesting that I go home,
748
01:01:54,563 --> 01:01:59,243
Johanna said I could
take a nap on the sofa.
749
01:01:59,323 --> 01:02:02,163
While she was making tea.
750
01:02:02,243 --> 01:02:06,123
So I just lay there
and I followed her with my eyes.
751
01:02:06,203 --> 01:02:09,923
While she was walking around the apartment.
752
01:02:10,003 --> 01:02:12,243
And it was so wonderful.
753
01:02:12,323 --> 01:02:19,323
Because at this very moment
I felt like I belonged there.
754
01:02:19,443 --> 01:02:22,763
And I was convinced
that she was in love with me too.
755
01:02:22,843 --> 01:02:26,003
You feel it, right?
In your body?
756
01:02:26,083 --> 01:02:29,603
When someone doesn't want you to leave.
757
01:02:50,963 --> 01:02:53,283
There is no doubt about it.
758
01:02:53,403 --> 01:02:55,203
You feel it...
759
01:02:55,963 --> 01:02:59,443
on your skin and in your body.
760
01:03:00,563 --> 01:03:04,163
How everything trembles
and falls apart.
761
01:03:06,003 --> 01:03:09,243
And I saw that she felt the same.
762
01:03:19,083 --> 01:03:22,403
It was the first time
we were totally...
763
01:03:23,763 --> 01:03:26,963
We sort of melted together.
764
01:03:27,043 --> 01:03:28,603
But...
765
01:03:28,683 --> 01:03:30,163
What is it about?
766
01:03:30,243 --> 01:03:33,523
It's nothing.
767
01:03:33,603 --> 01:03:36,563
Has something happened?
768
01:03:38,603 --> 01:03:45,763
There are so many things in life that you want
share with someone but you can't.
769
01:03:47,843 --> 01:03:50,723
You can tell me.
770
01:03:50,803 --> 01:03:53,603
You are so sweet.
771
01:03:53,683 --> 01:03:57,403
It's a feeling in a way
you know me better than...
772
01:03:57,483 --> 01:04:00,283
people I have known for years.
773
01:04:00,403 --> 01:04:03,923
But some things are just necessary...
774
01:04:04,003 --> 01:04:08,963
Which you have to deal with yourself.
775
01:04:11,803 --> 01:04:16,443
I think it's best if you leave now.
776
01:04:16,523 --> 01:04:18,803
-Are you sure?
- Yes I am.
777
01:04:18,883 --> 01:04:20,963
I need some time to myself.
778
01:04:21,043 --> 01:04:23,603
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't want to leave.
779
01:04:23,683 --> 01:04:26,483
I just wanted...
780
01:04:26,563 --> 01:04:29,163
I just wanted to hold her.
781
01:04:29,243 --> 01:04:32,683
She was very distraught.
And I was just as distraught.
782
01:04:32,763 --> 01:04:36,043
Both, because I saw
how much she suffered
783
01:04:36,163 --> 01:04:39,403
but also because
I wasn't able to help her.
784
01:04:40,603 --> 01:04:43,283
It was terrible.
785
01:04:44,043 --> 01:04:46,203
I sent her a message right after I left
786
01:04:46,283 --> 01:04:51,603
saying I'm thinking about her
with lots of hearts.
787
01:04:51,683 --> 01:04:57,563
She said she could call me anytime and that's it
she was my favorite person in the world.
788
01:04:57,603 --> 01:04:59,363
It was so terrible because...
789
01:04:59,483 --> 01:05:03,003
When I was there
we felt like we were a couple.
790
01:05:03,083 --> 01:05:07,083
Then, suddenly, it all ended.
791
01:05:08,763 --> 01:05:12,243
I've never felt anything like this, Mom.
792
01:05:13,083 --> 01:05:15,483
But then she replied to my texts.
793
01:05:15,563 --> 01:05:21,963
She said she would love it if I was there
and wanted me to come back the next day.
794
01:05:23,883 --> 01:05:27,163
However, the next day she canceled the meeting.
795
01:05:27,243 --> 01:05:29,003
She said something came up.
796
01:05:29,083 --> 01:05:32,843
And the next day she didn't
She showed up at school, so I called her.
797
01:05:32,923 --> 01:05:38,043
It was really nice.
She was glad I called.
798
01:05:38,123 --> 01:05:42,043
She would come
with stomach problems and needed rest.
799
01:05:43,043 --> 01:05:47,083
And she had her period too
so she was a bit...
800
01:05:47,163 --> 01:05:48,843
A bit below the weather.
801
01:05:48,923 --> 01:05:52,843
In the meantime, we were messaging a lot.
802
01:05:52,923 --> 01:05:55,043
Words of encouragement and stuff like that.
803
01:05:55,123 --> 01:05:58,203
I wrote, “Get well, darling.”
804
01:06:00,763 --> 01:06:03,163
But I also remember writing,
805
01:06:04,283 --> 01:06:07,003
– I care about you.
806
01:06:08,043 --> 01:06:11,603
I immediately regretted it.
807
01:06:12,803 --> 01:06:16,123
But she immediately replied:
808
01:06:16,203 --> 01:06:20,123
saying she cares about me too
accompanied by lots of hearts,
809
01:06:20,203 --> 01:06:23,963
he said he felt fine
to know that I care for her.
810
01:06:24,043 --> 01:06:29,803
And I replied that I could come to her
if she needed help with anything.
811
01:06:29,883 --> 01:06:32,963
Or if she wanted me to cook for her.
812
01:06:33,043 --> 01:06:34,843
But she didn't.
813
01:06:34,923 --> 01:06:36,763
It was just before Easter.
814
01:06:36,843 --> 01:06:41,163
And we went to the cottage for Easter.
815
01:06:41,243 --> 01:06:46,763
And then I got sick too.
I was devastated.
816
01:06:46,843 --> 01:06:50,363
I couldn't understand
why didn't she reply to me?
817
01:06:51,243 --> 01:06:54,883
Well, she replied
but he spoke very briefly.
818
01:06:54,963 --> 01:07:00,083
I told her I was at the cottage
and asked how he was feeling.
819
01:07:00,163 --> 01:07:02,523
I told her I was sick too.
820
01:07:02,603 --> 01:07:06,683
To which she replied
“Poor thing, get better soon.”
821
01:07:06,763 --> 01:07:10,443
And I replied
"You poor things, we poor things."
822
01:07:10,523 --> 01:07:14,083
I imagined we were sick together.
823
01:07:14,163 --> 01:07:16,363
Even though we were apart.
824
01:07:17,963 --> 01:07:21,963
I sent her a photo one sunny day.
825
01:07:22,043 --> 01:07:24,603
And then she sent me the photo back.
826
01:07:25,443 --> 01:07:28,483
It was her and the girl.
827
01:07:28,563 --> 01:07:30,603
They were taking a walk around the city.
828
01:07:30,683 --> 01:07:36,243
She didn't say she was better
so I was just surprised.
829
01:07:36,323 --> 01:07:39,483
I started imagining her
830
01:07:39,563 --> 01:07:44,723
do different things and meet people,
without me.
831
01:07:46,243 --> 01:07:48,843
I felt like we were growing apart.
832
01:07:48,923 --> 01:07:52,363
So I sent her a message
saying that's how I felt.
833
01:07:52,483 --> 01:07:56,163
And she replied this way
I shouldn't worry about it.
834
01:07:57,803 --> 01:08:00,403
Then I sent her a photo
my knitting.
835
01:08:00,483 --> 01:08:06,563
I asked her if she could help me with this.
To which she replied, "Of course."
836
01:08:06,603 --> 01:08:12,323
She wrote: "Of course!",
with exclamation points and smiles.
837
01:08:12,443 --> 01:08:18,603
That's what we planned
that I will visit her next Tuesday.
838
01:08:22,963 --> 01:08:25,123
It was a great relief to see her again.
839
01:08:25,203 --> 01:08:27,283
It's so good to see you!
840
01:08:27,403 --> 01:08:32,603
At first it seemed to me that
nothing has changed
841
01:08:32,683 --> 01:08:34,763
since we last saw each other.
842
01:08:34,843 --> 01:08:38,843
Like we picked up where we left off.
843
01:08:38,923 --> 01:08:41,203
But it wasn't the same.
844
01:08:41,283 --> 01:08:44,283
She was different. She was more...
845
01:08:44,403 --> 01:08:46,123
restless and stupid.
846
01:08:46,203 --> 01:08:50,603
It's so different here.
Have you changed anything?
847
01:08:50,723 --> 01:08:53,323
No, I just got rid of all the junk.
848
01:08:53,443 --> 01:08:57,522
And she kept it
telling jokes I didn't understand.
849
01:08:57,603 --> 01:09:02,243
Maybe she was joking with me
sending her so many texts on Easter.
850
01:09:02,323 --> 01:09:07,522
Well, she didn't irritate me at all
but the impression remained
851
01:09:07,603 --> 01:09:11,603
that she thought I was overreacting.
852
01:09:11,683 --> 01:09:14,163
But the strangest thing was that she...
853
01:09:15,683 --> 01:09:19,283
she was very busy cleaning
that she didn't look at me.
854
01:09:19,403 --> 01:09:22,482
She talked a lot
she just didn't look at me.
855
01:09:22,563 --> 01:09:28,603
Her speech also seemed troubled
a little warm and lively.
856
01:09:28,723 --> 01:09:31,083
Maybe a little.
857
01:09:31,163 --> 01:09:33,363
As it happens sometimes.
858
01:09:33,443 --> 01:09:38,482
When something is wrong or bothers you,
and you try to pretend that everything is fine.
859
01:09:41,083 --> 01:09:44,363
You're not quite there.
And neither was she.
860
01:09:44,443 --> 01:09:47,482
You didn't say?
Does your grandma knit too?
861
01:09:49,163 --> 01:09:52,443
Then the doorbell rang
and hurried to the door.
862
01:09:52,522 --> 01:09:55,123
And it was another woman.
863
01:09:55,203 --> 01:10:01,522
At first I thought it was a woman
from the photo she sent me for Easter.
864
01:10:01,603 --> 01:10:04,003
But it wasn't like that.
865
01:10:04,083 --> 01:10:08,163
And I saw
that Johanna knew it was coming.
866
01:10:08,963 --> 01:10:13,482
That she was invited.
867
01:10:13,563 --> 01:10:15,883
She acted like that too.
868
01:10:15,963 --> 01:10:19,603
The way she entered the apartment.
869
01:10:19,683 --> 01:10:21,603
As if she wasn't there before.
870
01:10:21,683 --> 01:10:24,603
As if she was invited
for dinner or something.
871
01:10:24,683 --> 01:10:28,522
Clothed and with makeup.
She was clearly invited.
872
01:10:28,603 --> 01:10:33,083
- I forgot that you live in an atelier.
- I always do that.
873
01:10:33,163 --> 01:10:36,123
This is Johanna.
This is one of my students.
874
01:10:36,203 --> 01:10:39,363
Joanna and Joanna. That's adorable.
875
01:10:39,482 --> 01:10:42,083
This is Frøydis.
876
01:10:42,163 --> 01:10:44,443
I'm not sure what to call you.
877
01:10:44,563 --> 01:10:47,563
Aren't I also a student of sorts?
878
01:10:47,603 --> 01:10:51,763
Frøydis studies at the Academy.
The same course I did.
879
01:10:52,883 --> 01:10:55,403
Do you give her private lessons?
880
01:10:55,482 --> 01:10:58,923
No, I'm just helping her knit.
881
01:10:59,003 --> 01:11:03,403
But Johanne was just leaving.
I'll wear something else.
882
01:11:05,803 --> 01:11:09,443
- Would you like a glass of wine?
- I'd love one.
883
01:11:14,323 --> 01:11:17,163
Johanna is really good at knitting.
884
01:11:17,243 --> 01:11:20,003
She has lots of wonderful sweaters.
885
01:11:20,083 --> 01:11:23,603
- You have so many wonderful sweaters!
- Thanks!
886
01:11:25,403 --> 01:11:29,163
Are you... You're in high school, right?
887
01:11:30,323 --> 01:11:32,243
Uh...yes.
888
01:11:32,323 --> 01:11:34,963
I told you she was in my class.
889
01:11:35,043 --> 01:11:37,323
Oh yes, that's right.
890
01:11:37,443 --> 01:11:40,083
Johanna was also my teacher.
891
01:11:40,163 --> 01:11:42,203
There are more of us.
892
01:11:43,563 --> 01:11:45,283
I love your hair.
893
01:11:45,403 --> 01:11:48,603
I wish I had hair like yours.
894
01:11:49,843 --> 01:11:53,043
- Need help with something?
- NO.
895
01:11:53,163 --> 01:11:56,843
I felt so stupid. Like a child.
896
01:11:57,923 --> 01:12:00,043
The way she touched my hair.
897
01:12:00,123 --> 01:12:04,603
She was so mean
so condescending.
898
01:12:08,043 --> 01:12:10,003
I just...
899
01:12:10,083 --> 01:12:12,482
I just left without saying a word.
900
01:12:17,803 --> 01:12:20,403
I felt like a part of me died right then.
901
01:12:20,482 --> 01:12:24,923
Have you ever felt like this?
Did you feel completely lifeless?
902
01:12:25,003 --> 01:12:28,283
But you have to go on living?
903
01:12:28,403 --> 01:12:31,883
What it looks like
as impossible as it is senseless.
904
01:12:31,963 --> 01:12:35,363
Because nothing matters without it.
905
01:12:45,323 --> 01:12:49,043
I realize it was painful, but...
906
01:12:49,123 --> 01:12:52,003
Everything will be fine.
907
01:12:52,083 --> 01:12:55,603
You'll find someone else.
908
01:12:56,723 --> 01:13:00,203
I want one love.
909
01:13:00,283 --> 01:13:03,123
Not different.
910
01:13:16,522 --> 01:13:18,363
It was actually a relief.
911
01:13:18,443 --> 01:13:21,522
You don't have to hide it from your mom anymore.
912
01:13:21,603 --> 01:13:25,603
But that meant
what I wrote was no longer a secret.
913
01:13:25,723 --> 01:13:28,803
What Made Me
less afraid to pass it on.
914
01:13:28,883 --> 01:13:33,563
When mom and grandma suggested
showing it to editor Nan,
915
01:13:33,683 --> 01:13:37,563
no obligations
it was just exciting.
916
01:13:37,603 --> 01:13:41,203
-When was that?
- It was last fall.
917
01:13:41,283 --> 01:13:45,363
We, the audience,
they stood on the path,
918
01:13:45,443 --> 01:13:48,963
and these steps
were full of dancers,
919
01:13:49,043 --> 01:13:51,243
and there was this golden glow.
920
01:13:51,323 --> 01:13:54,603
Which got me thinking, you know
921
01:13:54,683 --> 01:13:57,522
Jacob's ladder from the Bible.
922
01:13:57,603 --> 01:14:02,883
Jacob dreamed that he saw
a giant ladder leading to heaven.
923
01:14:02,963 --> 01:14:05,603
There was this inner longing.
924
01:14:05,723 --> 01:14:08,323
– Longing for God.
- Yes, maybe!
925
01:14:08,443 --> 01:14:11,482
Whatever God may be.
926
01:14:12,482 --> 01:14:16,803
What people imagine
and long is very diverse,
927
01:14:16,883 --> 01:14:20,603
but it was really sexy.
928
01:14:20,723 --> 01:14:26,603
And at the same time
it was strangely uplifting.
929
01:14:26,723 --> 01:14:31,723
I think it was caused
the dancers' complete lack of vanity.
930
01:14:31,803 --> 01:14:38,683
They... just looked like normal people.
931
01:14:38,763 --> 01:14:41,683
I think everyone in the audience...
932
01:14:42,723 --> 01:14:45,923
I think they felt comforted.
933
01:14:46,043 --> 01:14:51,123
And that...
Notice this transition...
934
01:14:51,203 --> 01:14:58,083
It was the same feeling I had
when I read your granddaughter's book.
935
01:14:58,163 --> 01:15:00,843
It made me happy.
936
01:15:00,923 --> 01:15:04,603
My life suddenly seemed so simple.
937
01:15:04,723 --> 01:15:10,203
I felt the need to go outside
to be more present in the world.
938
01:15:10,283 --> 01:15:13,443
That's great.
Few books have such an impact on us.
939
01:15:13,522 --> 01:15:17,603
- At least none of mine.
- But you never wrote like that.
940
01:15:17,683 --> 01:15:22,963
So vulnerable and brutally honest.
Because writing this way,
941
01:15:23,083 --> 01:15:29,482
so honest, so simple, without any
reservations? It's incredibly difficult.
942
01:15:29,563 --> 01:15:35,723
This also adds... pathos to it.
Because he definitely has it.
943
01:15:35,803 --> 01:15:39,363
But it never feels sticky.
944
01:15:39,443 --> 01:15:43,763
It's just a nice feeling.
945
01:15:43,843 --> 01:15:48,043
Phrases like...
946
01:15:49,603 --> 01:15:53,043
"Secret Skin".
How did she come up with this?
947
01:15:53,123 --> 01:15:57,763
I think he gets it from me.
Well, not from me, but from Lars.
948
01:15:57,843 --> 01:16:01,482
Gyllensten. I quote him from time to time.
949
01:16:01,563 --> 01:16:06,603
"The skin of the thighs, the skin of the belly,
the skin of the arms, the secret skin..."
950
01:16:07,923 --> 01:16:12,883
breast skin, arm skin, thigh skin...
951
01:16:12,963 --> 01:16:19,323
The skin of her belly against the background of... her skin,
skin on skin, secret after secret...
952
01:16:19,443 --> 01:16:21,083
"Holes".
953
01:16:21,163 --> 01:16:24,123
Sometimes I recite it.
So I think she heard it from me.
954
01:16:24,203 --> 01:16:26,482
What about you?
955
01:16:26,563 --> 01:16:29,243
Are you currently writing?
956
01:16:29,323 --> 01:16:31,883
Maybe I have another book in me.
957
01:16:31,963 --> 01:16:37,163
Recently I was...
I rarely thought about it...
958
01:16:37,243 --> 01:16:40,482
But recently it happened
this paralyzing thought.
959
01:16:40,563 --> 01:16:46,482
Who is interested in what I write?
I'm barely interested myself.
960
01:16:47,482 --> 01:16:53,243
So when you talk about this honesty,
you write about yourself...
961
01:16:53,323 --> 01:16:59,323
This thought paralyzes me
that I haven't really experienced much.
962
01:16:59,443 --> 01:17:03,363
I just live vicariously
through the heroes of my poems.
963
01:17:03,482 --> 01:17:06,603
I wish I had lived longer.
964
01:17:06,723 --> 01:17:13,723
I fell more in love. I've slept with more men.
I slept with lots and lots of...
965
01:17:13,803 --> 01:17:17,603
But now it's a little too late for regrets.
966
01:17:17,683 --> 01:17:22,883
Nan often talked about all this
I wish she would have done it differently.
967
01:17:22,963 --> 01:17:29,243
Maybe it will take some consolation to know that I can
to express your longings, your dreams.
968
01:17:29,323 --> 01:17:32,763
Because if it's true, what are you wearing
mind appears in your dreams
969
01:17:32,843 --> 01:17:37,763
I think Nan was mostly dreaming
about books she never wrote.
970
01:17:37,843 --> 01:17:40,123
As well as sex. And God
971
01:17:40,203 --> 01:17:43,803
What do you imagine what God looks like?
972
01:17:45,763 --> 01:17:49,323
I don't know. Something... safe.
973
01:17:49,443 --> 01:17:52,963
I think he would have to be Swedish.
974
01:17:54,243 --> 01:17:59,283
Blond, friendly, naked Swedish girl
sitting on top of a ladder.
975
01:17:59,403 --> 01:18:03,243
Legs spread, flaunting their belongings
for everyone interested.
976
01:18:03,323 --> 01:18:09,043
He gives generously.
That would be fantastic.
977
01:18:09,123 --> 01:18:12,363
Then write about it. It's not too late yet.
978
01:18:14,482 --> 01:18:21,482
But when it comes to Johanne,
why don't you tell her, I said
979
01:18:21,563 --> 01:18:24,522
I'd love to sit down and talk to her.
980
01:18:24,603 --> 01:18:28,763
Could this be something you would publish?
981
01:18:28,843 --> 01:18:30,843
Absolutely.
982
01:18:36,803 --> 01:18:38,923
Here you go.
983
01:18:39,043 --> 01:18:42,123
Do you think your editor liked it?
984
01:18:43,123 --> 01:18:48,843
I don't know, really. She said something nice
things, but was it...
985
01:18:48,923 --> 01:18:53,603
-Enough to want to publish it?
- It's hard to say.
986
01:18:53,723 --> 01:18:57,522
Really not
so much to talk about.
987
01:18:57,603 --> 01:19:02,603
Be careful, it's extremely hot.
Maybe I should add cold water.
988
01:19:02,683 --> 01:19:05,723
I think it will be fine.
989
01:19:05,803 --> 01:19:07,723
Where was I? Oh, yes.
990
01:19:07,803 --> 01:19:11,363
I can give you her number
and you can call her.
991
01:19:11,443 --> 01:19:15,522
If you want to become a writer.
992
01:19:16,522 --> 01:19:18,083
"Writer".
993
01:19:18,163 --> 01:19:21,923
Well, if you want to turn it into a book.
994
01:19:22,763 --> 01:19:25,203
-I thought it was a book?
- You're against it.
995
01:19:25,283 --> 01:19:30,043
I am neither for nor against.
996
01:19:30,123 --> 01:19:32,243
Neither, really.
997
01:19:32,323 --> 01:19:35,603
At first you didn't want to
anyone reading this. Even me.
998
01:19:35,683 --> 01:19:40,603
You said you wrote it
to keep it to myself.
999
01:19:40,683 --> 01:19:45,763
You were almost hysterical
when I printed it out to read.
1000
01:19:45,843 --> 01:19:49,803
- What made you change your mind?
- You told me how good it was.
1001
01:19:49,883 --> 01:19:54,883
That you forgot that it was about me.
That it knocked you off your feet.
1002
01:19:54,963 --> 01:19:57,043
Did I say that? No, really?
1003
01:19:57,123 --> 01:19:59,522
You did it! You too, mom.
1004
01:19:59,603 --> 01:20:03,123
You said it.
I'm sure you told me that.
1005
01:20:03,203 --> 01:20:07,163
- I never said that!
- Leave me here.
1006
01:20:07,243 --> 01:20:09,083
The only thing I said...
1007
01:20:10,443 --> 01:20:16,522
was that you write really well.
If you wanted, you could be a writer.
1008
01:20:16,603 --> 01:20:22,763
But Johanne, if this gets published,
many people will read this.
1009
01:20:22,843 --> 01:20:27,363
They will have their own opinion
and you will receive criticism and reviews.
1010
01:20:27,482 --> 01:20:32,163
And the reviews can be harsh,
so I just think...
1011
01:20:33,203 --> 01:20:39,043
- I'm worried you'll get lost.
- I wouldn't worry about it.
1012
01:20:39,123 --> 01:20:45,563
I think this is a relatable story
and I think it could work quite well.
1013
01:20:45,603 --> 01:20:50,083
Please, I can practically see
pound signs in your eyes.
1014
01:20:50,163 --> 01:20:51,683
- What?
- Yes.
1015
01:20:51,763 --> 01:20:57,003
You only think about profits.
The first thing you thought of was “money.”
1016
01:20:57,083 --> 01:21:00,482
- I don't think about money!
- “Can we sell it?”
1017
01:21:00,563 --> 01:21:05,323
I think Johanne wrote a good book,
and we should take it seriously.
1018
01:21:05,443 --> 01:21:09,763
She created something that we also like
you need to think about what to do with it.
1019
01:21:09,843 --> 01:21:12,843
Listen, this is a debut novel!
1020
01:21:12,923 --> 01:21:16,163
It may not sell millions of copies.
1021
01:21:16,243 --> 01:21:19,923
- Of course not.
- Exactly.
1022
01:21:20,003 --> 01:21:22,283
Oh my god, you're so prejudiced.
1023
01:21:22,403 --> 01:21:27,243
I'm just saying I think it's...
1024
01:21:27,323 --> 01:21:30,443
could become quite a good book,
1025
01:21:30,522 --> 01:21:33,083
and one that can have a wide resonance.
1026
01:21:33,163 --> 01:21:36,283
But if so, it's because it's current!
1027
01:21:36,403 --> 01:21:40,403
And because it is a story you can identify with.
1028
01:21:40,482 --> 01:21:45,963
It's a story about queer awakening.
Queer people can be important.
1029
01:21:46,043 --> 01:21:48,803
- Strange awakening?
- That's the point.
1030
01:21:48,883 --> 01:21:52,123
Am I queer just because
I fell in love with Johanna?
1031
01:21:52,203 --> 01:21:55,203
It certainly looks that way.
But you should be proud!
1032
01:21:55,283 --> 01:21:56,843
Proud?
1033
01:21:56,923 --> 01:22:01,083
That's why this book is so important.
1034
01:22:01,163 --> 01:22:04,083
This is an important aspect
if you ask me.
1035
01:22:04,163 --> 01:22:07,083
This book can help
young people because...
1036
01:22:08,963 --> 01:22:12,963
The truth is this
each of us...
1037
01:22:13,043 --> 01:22:18,003
Each of us has our own story.
Everyone has their own story.
1038
01:22:18,083 --> 01:22:22,883
In that sense
our lives are potential interests,
1039
01:22:22,963 --> 01:22:28,723
because stories are what people want,
or what they need.
1040
01:22:28,803 --> 01:22:32,123
We need to say and hear
their stories.
1041
01:22:32,203 --> 01:22:36,203
Stories that give us courage
comfort, excitement and joy,
1042
01:22:36,283 --> 01:22:39,883
that reflect our lives.
People are not that different.
1043
01:22:39,963 --> 01:22:43,683
We struggle with many of the same things.
1044
01:22:43,763 --> 01:22:51,763
This is how stories can help us
work through things and move on.
1045
01:22:52,163 --> 01:22:56,283
Don't you think that's a bit obvious?
1046
01:22:56,403 --> 01:22:58,522
Yes! And that's a good thing.
1047
01:22:58,603 --> 01:23:04,203
Learning to describe sex and sexuality
without any doubts about purity,
1048
01:23:04,283 --> 01:23:07,923
it's something we need.
In my opinion.
1049
01:23:08,003 --> 01:23:09,603
Jesus.
1050
01:23:09,683 --> 01:23:15,603
Suddenly I'm the one pushing
for you to publish your book and then...
1051
01:23:15,683 --> 01:23:20,763
I'm not trying...
It's completely up to you, Johanne.
1052
01:23:20,843 --> 01:23:26,803
You need to think about it once or twice
three and ten times, as Nan likes to say.
1053
01:23:26,883 --> 01:23:31,203
Because this can turn into a bumpy ride.
1054
01:23:32,963 --> 01:23:36,803
We also have to decide
is she ready...
1055
01:23:39,163 --> 01:23:42,683
And you need to talk to Johanna.
1056
01:23:42,763 --> 01:23:45,522
- You have to let her read it.
- NO!
1057
01:23:45,603 --> 01:23:48,603
- Yes, you have to.
- NO!
1058
01:23:48,683 --> 01:23:51,123
No way!
1059
01:23:51,203 --> 01:23:56,563
No publisher will touch it
unless she read it.
1060
01:23:56,603 --> 01:24:00,603
She will be able to read it anyway.
You have no choice.
1061
01:24:00,683 --> 01:24:02,843
No, that's...
1062
01:24:03,763 --> 01:24:06,603
- I can't.
- Then it's settled.
1063
01:24:06,723 --> 01:24:12,843
I really think we should wait.
You're only seventeen.
1064
01:24:12,923 --> 01:24:17,723
You've proven you can write.
Now you can write something else.
1065
01:24:17,803 --> 01:24:22,763
Or you can write about it again,
once you have some distance.
1066
01:24:22,843 --> 01:24:27,363
“Distance”, I didn't want distance.
1067
01:24:27,482 --> 01:24:31,843
I really wanted Johanna.
Even now.
1068
01:24:31,923 --> 01:24:34,563
I felt it when my mother said her name.
1069
01:24:34,603 --> 01:24:38,363
Longing in the stomach.
1070
01:24:39,443 --> 01:24:42,123
That evening I read my text again.
1071
01:24:42,203 --> 01:24:44,443
Mainly because of this.
1072
01:24:44,563 --> 01:24:49,482
And I felt it burning again
as I read.
1073
01:24:49,603 --> 01:24:52,603
I felt like experiencing it again.
1074
01:24:52,723 --> 01:24:54,763
And I thought...
1075
01:24:54,843 --> 01:24:57,563
Maybe Johanna should
I'll read it eventually.
1076
01:24:57,603 --> 01:25:00,843
So that she knows exactly how I feel.
1077
01:25:00,923 --> 01:25:05,482
I thought maybe he would be impressed.
1078
01:25:05,603 --> 01:25:08,043
Maybe he'll see me in a new light.
1079
01:25:08,123 --> 01:25:11,323
I wrote about her in a nice way.
1080
01:25:11,443 --> 01:25:14,683
It was a love letter
more or less.
1081
01:25:14,763 --> 01:25:18,323
Maybe it would make an impression.
1082
01:25:18,443 --> 01:25:24,843
And maybe in a few years when I was
over twenty years and a published writer...
1083
01:25:24,923 --> 01:25:27,603
Maybe if we met again...
1084
01:25:27,723 --> 01:25:31,803
will understand
that we were meant to be.
1085
01:26:19,003 --> 01:26:20,963
Here's your book.
1086
01:26:21,043 --> 01:26:24,163
- It's very good.
- Thank you.
1087
01:27:13,522 --> 01:27:16,403
I just couldn't face her.
1088
01:27:16,482 --> 01:27:18,803
So my mom reached out on my behalf.
1089
01:27:18,883 --> 01:27:23,163
She called Johanna and told her how it was
and sent her the script.
1090
01:27:23,243 --> 01:27:27,163
And after she read it
they arranged a meeting.
1091
01:27:59,403 --> 01:28:04,283
- You didn't go for a cinnamon roll?
- I can't eat it alone.
1092
01:28:04,403 --> 01:28:08,163
-Of course you can!
- Oh, it spilled a bit. Sorry.
1093
01:28:08,243 --> 01:28:11,603
- All right.
- It happens.
1094
01:28:13,803 --> 01:28:17,123
Well...
I don't know...
1095
01:28:18,123 --> 01:28:20,843
I must admit
I was afraid of this meeting.
1096
01:28:20,923 --> 01:28:23,563
You have? Why is this so?
1097
01:28:23,603 --> 01:28:27,723
I don't know what you're thinking.
Are you going to press charges?
1098
01:28:27,803 --> 01:28:29,683
Press fees? No, that's...
1099
01:28:29,763 --> 01:28:33,443
- Or press charges against the school?
- That was hot.
1100
01:28:35,723 --> 01:28:38,482
Well, I can see what this might look like.
1101
01:28:38,563 --> 01:28:41,883
Like I've gone too far.
1102
01:28:41,963 --> 01:28:45,603
You shouldn't
fraternize with students.
1103
01:28:45,723 --> 01:28:48,243
But in my defense, I'm not a teacher.
1104
01:28:48,323 --> 01:28:54,283
-You're not a teacher?
- I have no pedagogical education.
1105
01:28:54,403 --> 01:28:58,603
I went to an art academy.
I'm actually a visual artist.
1106
01:28:58,683 --> 01:29:03,963
Which of course is not an excuse.
Just a weak explanation.
1107
01:29:04,043 --> 01:29:10,883
I must say I didn't see anything wrong
allowing Johanne to visit me.
1108
01:29:10,963 --> 01:29:15,163
But after reading...
Well, now...
1109
01:29:17,243 --> 01:29:21,723
You don't have to worry
about us filing charges.
1110
01:29:21,803 --> 01:29:25,203
I talked to her.
I know nothing happened.
1111
01:29:25,283 --> 01:29:28,043
OK...
Okay, then...
1112
01:29:28,123 --> 01:29:31,603
It's such a relief to hear this.
1113
01:29:31,723 --> 01:29:35,883
I don't have children
but I can only imagine
1114
01:29:35,963 --> 01:29:39,923
What would I do if my daughter
he wrote something like this.
1115
01:29:40,003 --> 01:29:44,443
But that's very... mature of you,
to take it that way.
1116
01:29:44,522 --> 01:29:47,163
Yes, well...
1117
01:29:47,763 --> 01:29:53,563
I must admit that it was strange to read,
because I had no idea Johanne felt this way.
1118
01:29:53,603 --> 01:29:55,323
Are you sure you must have it?
1119
01:29:55,443 --> 01:30:00,043
- NO.
- But, I mean...
1120
01:30:00,123 --> 01:30:04,243
When you read this,
it's very... You know...
1121
01:30:04,323 --> 01:30:07,363
You must have realized
she was in love with you.
1122
01:30:07,482 --> 01:30:10,603
Absolutely not! Not at first.
1123
01:30:14,043 --> 01:30:18,603
Then, finally, maybe a little...
1124
01:30:18,723 --> 01:30:22,803
She wanted to learn to knit,
which was nice.
1125
01:30:22,883 --> 01:30:25,243
But that she was in love?
1126
01:30:26,443 --> 01:30:31,723
When I react like this
it's mainly in Johanne's name.
1127
01:30:31,803 --> 01:30:35,163
You certainly were
Are you a little fascinated by her too?
1128
01:30:37,163 --> 01:30:39,923
NO?
1129
01:30:40,003 --> 01:30:42,123
NO.
1130
01:30:42,203 --> 01:30:49,323
When I read this,
I find it very hard to believe...
1131
01:30:49,443 --> 01:30:54,243
Maybe that's the wrong thing to say
I didn't care about it at all.
1132
01:30:54,323 --> 01:30:57,123
Johanne is a very sociable girl.
1133
01:30:57,203 --> 01:31:02,123
But in a more childish, friendly way.
1134
01:31:02,203 --> 01:31:07,243
That's how I interpreted it.
I think this is an important distinction.
1135
01:31:07,323 --> 01:31:11,963
You know what I mean, right?
Non-sexual intimacy between girls.
1136
01:31:12,043 --> 01:31:16,723
And you understand that I can't sit here
and say that I was fascinated by it.
1137
01:31:16,803 --> 01:31:20,443
- But you were there?
- If I were?
1138
01:31:20,522 --> 01:31:23,843
Maybe a little towards the end.
1139
01:31:23,923 --> 01:31:28,083
When you are gifted
with such attention...
1140
01:31:28,163 --> 01:31:32,283
But then I stopped it. As soon as possible
when I realized what was happening.
1141
01:31:32,403 --> 01:31:36,083
- But then you realized it?
- Well, it's as she wrote.
1142
01:31:36,163 --> 01:31:38,443
As it is written in the text.
1143
01:31:38,522 --> 01:31:40,843
And I just met someone...
1144
01:31:40,923 --> 01:31:44,283
I just want you to know
that nothing happened.
1145
01:31:44,403 --> 01:31:48,283
No one has crossed this border,
even though it may seem that way.
1146
01:31:48,403 --> 01:31:53,243
There are several...
very intimate performances.
1147
01:31:54,403 --> 01:31:57,043
Yes... Yes.
1148
01:31:57,123 --> 01:32:00,083
Very sexual.
1149
01:32:00,163 --> 01:32:03,763
Which made me wonder.
1150
01:32:06,123 --> 01:32:09,923
Representations of my body
they were very graphic.
1151
01:32:10,003 --> 01:32:13,723
“It must come from
Johanne's imagination.”
1152
01:32:13,803 --> 01:32:19,283
Because he writes in fragments
about your dreams and longings.
1153
01:32:19,403 --> 01:32:23,482
But it said
reading this felt a bit like being molested.
1154
01:32:23,563 --> 01:32:25,683
- Exploited?
- Yes.
1155
01:32:25,763 --> 01:32:32,963
All descriptions of what she felt
sitting next to me and stroking my shoulder...
1156
01:32:33,043 --> 01:32:36,803
I broke into a sweat.
– Did she molest me?
1157
01:32:36,883 --> 01:32:42,683
Abuse is too big a word,
considering the circumstances.
1158
01:32:42,763 --> 01:32:48,803
Yes, and I am not in any position
bring charges against her.
1159
01:32:48,883 --> 01:32:54,923
But I think it's possible
being molested without realizing it.
1160
01:32:55,003 --> 01:33:02,203
But if you didn't know that it is
infatuated, how can that be abuse?
1161
01:33:03,203 --> 01:33:06,363
It's quite obvious
that she used me.
1162
01:33:06,482 --> 01:33:08,522
Well, she was in love.
1163
01:33:08,603 --> 01:33:13,003
But it doesn't work for her
the right to do whatever she likes.
1164
01:33:13,083 --> 01:33:18,043
I know I'm biased, but I raised it
Johanne to be respectful of others.
1165
01:33:18,123 --> 01:33:22,843
- And he actually has it.
- Yes, but I think...
1166
01:33:24,243 --> 01:33:27,163
No, I'm sure you're right.
1167
01:33:27,243 --> 01:33:31,003
Honestly,
I can actually relate a bit.
1168
01:33:31,083 --> 01:33:37,522
It's a beautiful thing to discover
these feelings inside.
1169
01:33:38,763 --> 01:33:43,963
There are also parts that I miss
things she left out.
1170
01:33:45,283 --> 01:33:50,683
But on the other hand, infatuation feeds
on your self-centeredness, right?
1171
01:33:50,763 --> 01:33:57,563
You are more obsessed with your own feelings
than with the object of desire.
1172
01:33:57,603 --> 01:34:03,923
I have this thing I'm talking about
The Lord's Prayer when I'm upset.
1173
01:34:04,003 --> 01:34:06,683
Either terrified or excited.
1174
01:34:06,763 --> 01:34:13,123
And I remember that when I did it
Johanne sat next to me and stroked my arm.
1175
01:34:13,203 --> 01:34:17,843
But she left it out.
And it seems strange to me.
1176
01:34:17,923 --> 01:34:21,283
Because... it feels...
1177
01:34:21,403 --> 01:34:25,163
As if I only existed because of her eyes.
1178
01:34:26,443 --> 01:34:28,803
And not in myself.
1179
01:34:31,323 --> 01:34:34,283
But Johanna, it's just not true.
1180
01:34:34,403 --> 01:34:36,403
I heard your prayer.
1181
01:34:36,482 --> 01:34:41,482
I was deeply touched that you had the courage to share this entry
something so private and intimate with me.
1182
01:34:41,563 --> 01:34:44,843
Let's skip it
was an expression of my respect for you.
1183
01:34:44,923 --> 01:34:48,843
It would be a feeling of betrayal of trust.
1184
01:34:48,923 --> 01:34:53,723
I left out a lot of other things too.
And be grateful for it!
1185
01:34:53,803 --> 01:34:56,683
Many readers may think
this was written by a child
1186
01:34:56,763 --> 01:34:58,883
who doesn't understand
what is sex.
1187
01:34:58,963 --> 01:35:05,003
The one who thinks sex is a mixture of bubble gum
plush toys and soft skin of a boy band.
1188
01:35:05,083 --> 01:35:08,723
Well, let them think so.
It's all for the better.
1189
01:35:08,803 --> 01:35:12,603
But you know I've never seen it that way.
I knew what sex was.
1190
01:35:12,723 --> 01:35:14,963
And what I did to you and what you did to me.
1191
01:35:15,043 --> 01:35:18,043
-Are we done here?
- Yes, we're done.
1192
01:35:18,123 --> 01:35:21,283
I wanted to make sure
you don't mind publishing.
1193
01:35:21,403 --> 01:35:24,203
Oh yes, absolutely.
1194
01:35:24,283 --> 01:35:26,522
Tell Johanne I said hello and good luck.
1195
01:35:26,603 --> 01:35:32,803
Maybe it would be good for her
hear that she's not my type?
1196
01:35:32,883 --> 01:35:37,963
Of course I liked her very much.
And she wrote, well...
1197
01:35:38,043 --> 01:35:41,003
Let's say
she writes better than she knits.
1198
01:35:41,083 --> 01:35:43,163
My knitting isn't that bad.
1199
01:35:43,243 --> 01:35:45,603
I just didn't like it.
1200
01:35:45,683 --> 01:35:48,243
And the part about
I'm not your type?
1201
01:35:48,323 --> 01:35:51,243
As if that was an excuse
everything you allowed to happen?
1202
01:35:51,323 --> 01:35:53,443
I don't believe you.
1203
01:35:53,522 --> 01:35:55,603
I think you felt that I wanted you.
1204
01:35:55,683 --> 01:35:58,923
And you couldn't resist it.
1205
01:35:59,003 --> 01:36:03,482
Isn't that what everyone dreams of?
Someone who wants you.
1206
01:36:03,563 --> 01:36:07,443
Because who you are
if no one wants you? You are nothing.
1207
01:36:08,803 --> 01:36:10,522
You are nothing.
1208
01:36:10,603 --> 01:36:12,403
And when I think about mom,
1209
01:36:12,482 --> 01:36:17,163
searching on the Internet where everyone is
self-absorbed and self-indulgent.
1210
01:36:17,243 --> 01:36:19,283
I know she's dating.
1211
01:36:19,403 --> 01:36:26,003
But when he comes home, I see it
it hardly made her feel irreplaceable.
1212
01:36:26,923 --> 01:36:29,163
Nan doesn't even try to meet anyone.
1213
01:36:29,243 --> 01:36:32,763
She's just trying to find comfort in words.
1214
01:36:32,843 --> 01:36:36,482
But no matter how good
she penetrates the tongue,
1215
01:36:36,563 --> 01:36:41,003
these words will never bother her.
As she put it.
1216
01:36:41,083 --> 01:36:45,083
She doesn't dream anymore
being irreplaceable to someone.
1217
01:36:45,163 --> 01:36:50,283
I just want one last hug
from another man.
1218
01:36:50,403 --> 01:36:52,403
From the body.
1219
01:36:54,043 --> 01:36:57,803
I think he still dreams about it.
1220
01:36:58,763 --> 01:37:01,843
Honestly, I dream about it too.
1221
01:39:09,522 --> 01:39:14,603
The book was published some time ago
and Johanna got married and moved.
1222
01:39:14,723 --> 01:39:19,363
She has a partner and I have this book.
I guess that's it.
1223
01:39:19,482 --> 01:39:21,963
It was quite well received.
1224
01:39:22,043 --> 01:39:25,003
Well, at least one favorable review.
1225
01:39:26,522 --> 01:39:30,403
And a few less favorable ones.
1226
01:39:30,482 --> 01:39:32,803
But I think it sells.
1227
01:39:32,883 --> 01:39:34,963
Not in large quantities, but...
1228
01:39:35,043 --> 01:39:40,683
This is only a debut novel,
as Nan likes to say.
1229
01:39:40,763 --> 01:39:44,482
She and mom are very proud.
1230
01:39:44,563 --> 01:39:46,522
Aren't you a little proud too?
1231
01:39:46,603 --> 01:39:49,123
Aren't you a little proud of the book?
1232
01:39:49,203 --> 01:39:50,563
Proud?
1233
01:39:50,603 --> 01:39:54,963
I'm not sure. Proud...
1234
01:39:55,043 --> 01:40:01,763
I wrote a book
but then again, so do many others.
1235
01:40:01,843 --> 01:40:04,963
I guess I expected a little more.
1236
01:40:05,043 --> 01:40:09,482
And when I look at the book now...
I don't know.
1237
01:40:09,563 --> 01:40:14,443
I don't feel like there's a lot of it
with me, as it turned out.
1238
01:40:14,522 --> 01:40:17,163
Why did you come to me?
1239
01:40:17,243 --> 01:40:20,243
Mom follows you on Twitter.
1240
01:40:20,323 --> 01:40:22,482
Your mom?
1241
01:40:22,563 --> 01:40:28,083
Loves your tweets about mental health.
1242
01:40:28,163 --> 01:40:33,923
I don't understand how you manage to express this
you are so nuanced in so few words.
1243
01:40:34,003 --> 01:40:37,403
I had to write an entire novel.
1244
01:40:37,482 --> 01:40:41,763
I have deactivated my Twitter account.
Long ago.
1245
01:40:41,843 --> 01:40:46,603
I see. Well, mom and grandma
I thought it was a good idea.
1246
01:40:46,723 --> 01:40:51,723
That I'm talking to someone
after everything I've been through.
1247
01:40:51,803 --> 01:40:57,363
Everything you've been through?
You fell in love and published a book.
1248
01:40:57,443 --> 01:40:59,603
Yes?
1249
01:40:59,723 --> 01:41:04,923
When you put it like that,
you make it sound incredibly mundane.
1250
01:41:05,003 --> 01:41:07,043
Well, that's how it is.
1251
01:41:07,123 --> 01:41:12,843
At least fall in love.
It's something everyone experiences.
1252
01:41:12,923 --> 01:41:14,563
It's part of life.
1253
01:41:14,603 --> 01:41:17,083
So you don't think
Should I come here?
1254
01:41:17,163 --> 01:41:22,603
I'm not saying it, but I think so
to find out what you need help with.
1255
01:41:24,723 --> 01:41:27,003
Yes.
1256
01:41:28,603 --> 01:41:32,963
- I guess I feel a little... empty.
- Empty?
1257
01:41:33,043 --> 01:41:35,923
And I've had it for a while.
1258
01:41:37,323 --> 01:41:40,843
Can you tell me more about this?
1259
01:41:40,923 --> 01:41:43,883
Well, I wonder...
1260
01:41:43,963 --> 01:41:48,123
I wonder where I go from here?
1261
01:41:48,203 --> 01:41:50,963
Now that it's over.
1262
01:41:51,043 --> 01:41:56,363
Before, when it was only mine,
when it was just a pen drive...
1263
01:41:56,482 --> 01:41:59,283
I still have it by the way.
1264
01:42:00,403 --> 01:42:04,043
Then I kind of kept those feelings alive.
1265
01:42:04,123 --> 01:42:07,043
Even though I knew
we could never be together.
1266
01:42:07,123 --> 01:42:11,763
It hurt like hell
but it was also nice.
1267
01:42:11,843 --> 01:42:15,283
Feeling something so strongly.
1268
01:42:15,403 --> 01:42:21,003
Now that the book has been published,
it's just a book. And I keep thinking...
1269
01:42:21,083 --> 01:42:26,883
If I fall in love again
it will be the same.
1270
01:42:26,963 --> 01:42:29,482
It will be unrequited.
1271
01:42:29,563 --> 01:42:33,083
Will I write a book about this too?
1272
01:42:33,163 --> 01:42:38,522
You think
that it will never be mutual?
1273
01:42:38,603 --> 01:42:42,683
NO.
And I actually have a boyfriend now.
1274
01:42:42,763 --> 01:42:45,283
That's nice enough.
1275
01:42:45,403 --> 01:42:50,403
He likes to undress
and lie on your stomach.
1276
01:42:50,482 --> 01:42:53,083
He wants me to look at his ass.
1277
01:42:53,163 --> 01:42:54,963
I think it's quite nice.
1278
01:42:55,043 --> 01:42:59,323
He does it to himself
so naked and defenseless.
1279
01:42:59,443 --> 01:43:03,963
Although I'm sure that's what she wants
be sexy, not vulnerable.
1280
01:43:04,043 --> 01:43:08,522
Maybe it would be sexy
to someone else.
1281
01:43:08,603 --> 01:43:11,883
Because I... I don't know.
1282
01:43:13,843 --> 01:43:16,763
And he loves taking photos of us.
1283
01:43:16,843 --> 01:43:21,123
It's always the same pose. He's behind me
with an arm around my waist.
1284
01:43:21,203 --> 01:43:24,443
Beyond the Titanic, as he calls it.
1285
01:43:24,522 --> 01:43:27,563
I think it was his idea
what love should look like.
1286
01:43:27,603 --> 01:43:31,043
What do you think?
love looks like?
1287
01:43:31,123 --> 01:43:34,323
- I don't have a fixed image.
- NO?
1288
01:43:34,443 --> 01:43:38,963
I know what love feels like
but not as it looks.
1289
01:43:39,043 --> 01:43:42,603
This doesn't really interest me.
1290
01:43:47,403 --> 01:43:52,363
Would you like to
come back for another session?
1291
01:43:52,443 --> 01:43:57,163
- Oh, are we done already?
- Already?
1292
01:43:57,243 --> 01:44:04,683
You've been here for ninety minutes.
That's some time.
1293
01:44:04,763 --> 01:44:09,363
Have you ever felt like
Are you telling people to pull themselves together?
1294
01:44:09,482 --> 01:44:11,563
NO.
1295
01:44:11,603 --> 01:44:15,923
- Do you want another meeting?
- I'm not sure.
1296
01:44:16,003 --> 01:44:18,683
It's so expensive.
1297
01:44:18,763 --> 01:44:21,923
- Why is it so expensive?
- Good question.
1298
01:44:22,003 --> 01:44:25,923
Going to therapy is demanding, right?
1299
01:44:26,003 --> 01:44:29,763
You have to contribute
and work hard to make it better.
1300
01:44:29,843 --> 01:44:37,803
Well, some would argue
that people work harder if it costs more.
1301
01:44:37,883 --> 01:44:42,843
That high cost is a motivating factor.
1302
01:44:42,923 --> 01:44:45,883
But you must also have something to offer?
1303
01:44:45,963 --> 01:44:48,203
You're a nice guy and all, that's not it.
1304
01:44:48,283 --> 01:44:50,403
But the way you talk...
1305
01:44:50,482 --> 01:44:53,843
It's like you try
put everything in the system.
1306
01:44:53,923 --> 01:44:59,522
You make my life so tiny. It's shrinking
when I talk about it like you do.
1307
01:44:59,603 --> 01:45:01,963
That's not the intention.
1308
01:45:02,043 --> 01:45:05,963
The intention is exactly the opposite.
1309
01:45:06,043 --> 01:45:09,763
And you decide
what do you want to talk about?
1310
01:45:09,843 --> 01:45:16,723
Typically, people undergo therapy
for help figuring out yourself.
1311
01:45:16,803 --> 01:45:20,603
But "I'm thinking"...
1312
01:45:20,683 --> 01:45:24,683
I mean, it's constantly changing.
1313
01:45:25,723 --> 01:45:30,003
Will I have to come here
for the rest of your life?
1314
01:45:30,083 --> 01:45:31,843
No, no.
1315
01:45:31,923 --> 01:45:35,043
Rather, throughout my life.
1316
01:45:40,283 --> 01:45:41,803
- Hi!
- Hi.
1317
01:45:41,883 --> 01:45:45,363
- Sorry I'm so late.
- Don't worry. How was it?
1318
01:45:45,443 --> 01:45:47,763
It was okay.
1319
01:45:47,843 --> 01:45:50,963
- Maybe we should go meet the others?
- Yes.
1320
01:45:51,043 --> 01:45:53,803
Shit. I left something.
1321
01:45:53,883 --> 01:45:56,963
I have to go get it.
Go ahead and I'll catch up.
1322
01:45:57,043 --> 01:45:59,522
All right. Don't take too long.
1323
01:46:09,123 --> 01:46:10,963
Hi.
1324
01:46:11,043 --> 01:46:14,243
Do you...
Didn't we meet at Johanna's?
1325
01:46:15,403 --> 01:46:19,683
- You were the one with nice hair.
- Oh yes.
1326
01:46:19,803 --> 01:46:23,243
How are you?
Or... stupid question, I guess.
1327
01:46:23,323 --> 01:46:29,083
- Are you having a session?
- Now? NO.
1328
01:46:29,163 --> 01:46:31,963
There are only psychiatrists in this corridor.
1329
01:46:32,043 --> 01:46:34,683
I just finished the session.
1330
01:46:34,763 --> 01:46:37,443
Me too. Just a minute ago.
1331
01:46:38,243 --> 01:46:41,083
- It's a bit tiring.
- Yes.
1332
01:46:41,163 --> 01:46:43,763
And I'm not sure how much that helps.
1333
01:46:43,843 --> 01:46:46,083
At least not for me.
1334
01:46:46,163 --> 01:46:51,883
But how much did the Viennese birds do?
use Freud's practice?
1335
01:46:52,003 --> 01:46:57,603
- What?
- It's just something my grandma says.
1336
01:46:57,683 --> 01:46:59,843
I think it's from a poem.
1337
01:46:59,963 --> 01:47:06,163
This occurred to me while watching
my psychiatrist is trying to find the right words.
1338
01:47:07,243 --> 01:47:09,163
You look a little older.
1339
01:47:10,243 --> 01:47:12,243
You look younger.
1340
01:47:13,403 --> 01:47:16,482
It was really nice running into you.
1341
01:47:16,563 --> 01:47:20,003
I mean, it was...
1342
01:47:20,083 --> 01:47:22,522
a bit tiring.
1343
01:47:22,603 --> 01:47:26,363
Are you in contact with Johanna?
Is she still your teacher?
1344
01:47:26,443 --> 01:47:29,883
NO. No, there is no...
1345
01:47:30,003 --> 01:47:31,603
No.
1346
01:47:34,482 --> 01:47:37,163
Do you want to drink some coffee?
1347
01:47:37,243 --> 01:47:39,883
- Now?
- Yes.
1348
01:47:41,083 --> 01:47:43,883
Yes. I would like that.
1349
01:47:44,003 --> 01:47:46,083
All right.
1350
01:47:46,163 --> 01:47:49,243
Have you been...?
It looked like you were coming in.
1351
01:47:49,323 --> 01:47:53,323
I just... It doesn't matter.
1352
01:47:53,443 --> 01:47:55,443
It was nothing.
1353
01:47:55,563 --> 01:47:57,723
let's go.